I’ve been out of the loop for most of February and early March, but it seems that while I was otherwise occupied, a major illness struck America, which caused a rash of insanity to Conservatives. Prominent people representing the conservative ideology seem to be infecting each other with special type of pig flu.

I guess I should have had some clue of what was to come in January when the Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure foundation decided to carve out their heart with a spoon by cutting funding to Planned Parenthood. Komen’s CEO spun the organization’s rationale with all the sincerity of a Botox injection by saying that it wasn’t a political decision….no, it was a…a….procedural decision…yeah, yeah,  that’s the ticket.

The Komen fiasco seemed to be just an isolated incident of self-inflicted madness. Who would have known that the Conservative pig flu was just getting started.

The Republican Presidential candidates have been subject of several outbreaks of stupidity, but Rick Santorum demonstrated that something more than a minor bug was going around in Conservative circles when he expressed his desire to throw up.

Why? 

Almost a half a century ago the late President John F. Kennedy said that church and state should be separate to protect the right of religious freedom. That was the idea made Santorum want to vomit. Apparently, Santorum wants a Taliban-type government where a single, tyrannical church rules the government rather than a government that safeguards freedom for all citizens from the mythological dogma of a single church.  Apparently Conservative pig flu can be intestinal in nature.

The 2012 strain of Conservative Pig Influenza obviously impairs good judgement as House Conservatives held a hearing on the issue of impregnating women. The panel of expert witnesses for the hearing consisted primarily of celibate, religious males. The hearing focused on singling out physician-prescribed pharmaceuticals that have been used for decades for a variety of female-related health issues, one of which helps women to control their personal fertility.

At issue was whether or not religious institutions could force their religious beliefs on those women (of any faith) involved in their institutions by denying availability of those pharmaceuticals to them. With all the impartiality of the Spanish Inquisition the Conservatives concluded that women and their highly educated, licensed physicians should not be allowed to make reasonable personal health choices. The Conservative Pig Influenza was now an epidemic.

Non-Conservatives held an unofficial hearing to allow testimony by those barred from speaking in the Republican Inquisition on contraceptives. This unofficial hearing was the trigger event that caused Conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh to fully succumb to the Conservative Pig flu and begin a two-day personal attack on Sandra Fluke, a female Georgetown law student. He called her a slut and a prostitute because she testified in support of allowing women and physicians to have access to traditional fertility-controlling pharmaceuticals from religious affiliated institutions.

Limbaugh also made the bizarre leap of logic that if the government was protecting women’s access to fertility pharmaceuticals, that he must be paying for their private health care coverage. He then demanded that since (in his mind) he was paying for fertility pharmaceuticals, he should be allowed to have a video of any sex act performed by her or anyone else who used contraceptives.    

Limbaugh eventually apologized by saying he was only trying to be humorous. Conservative Presidential candidates responded to Limbaugh’s rampage accordingly. Mitt Romney said that he ‘wouldn’t have used those words’ in describing Ms. Fluke. Santorum said Limbaugh was only being entertaining and Newt Gingrich said that it was all the fault of the ‘elite media’ for making a big deal of Limbaugh’s character assassination of a private citizen voicing her First Amendment Rights. The Conservative Pig Influenza of 2012 has gone pandemic.

The CDC has made no official announcement, but it is expected that the Conservative Pig Influenza of 2012 will last through the summer and into the Fall. Fortunately, the most susceptible to the disease are white males over 40. The public can protect themselves by avoiding any contact with them.

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