Colonel Klink, General Burkhalter, Hogan's Heroes, John Boehner, Karl Rove, Mitt Romney, Sargent Schulz, sitcom
The more I listen to the public statements of the top Conservatives, the more I’m convinced that they are trying to play out the roles of the German soldiers in the late 60’s/early 70’s sitcom Hogan’s Heroes.
House Speaker John Boehner rants on as if he’s in charge of everything just like Colonel Wilhelm Klink who was the figurehead of his command.
Mitt Romney could also be cast as Colonel Klink, but he would be more appropriate for the role of Sargent Schultz who knows “nothing” and sees “nothing” even thought reality is staring him in the face.
Another key player in this political year sitcom is Karl Rove, who acts as General Burkhalter as he rarely gets his hands dirty with the details, but seems to have the power to make idiots more idiotic as he pushes absurd plans of conquest onto Colonel Klink and his underlings.
A typical script for their recasting:
(Colonel Klink and Sargent Schultz are in the Colonel’s office.)
Schultz: (Romney speaking with a bad German accent): Colonel, I know I’m not supposed to understand anything, but it does seem that the prisoners are not taking us seriously anymore.
Klink: (Boehner speaking with no accent at all) Schultz! How dare you question the authority of your superiors!
Schultz: Yes sir! I-I-I mean NO sir…I mean I was only trying to say….
Klink: Oh, shut up Schultz. Unfortunately, I believe you are correct. We tell the Americans…uhm, the prisoners what they are supposed to think and they go off and think whatever they want to. They seem to believe facts now rather than what we tell them.
Schultz: I know what you mean, sir. I tell them women are unimportant and they don’t believe me. I tell them it’s the economy and they seem to know it was our policies that caused the problems. I tell them the rich are job creators and they want to know why they are not creating jobs now that they are richer than ever…
Klink: Yes, yes, Schultz, I am perfectly aware of what the prisoners think of us.
(Enter Karl Rove as General Burkhalter speaking in a nasal bad German accent.)
Burkhalter: KLINK! Is this all you do is stand around and talk all day! Tell me you have something better to be doing!
Klink: No Sir! ….I mean YES, sir…I mean…Sargent Schultz, tell him what I mean….
Schultz: Ya Voldt, Herr Commandant! What the Colonel means to say–
Burkhalter: Oh, shut up Schultz!
Schultz: Ya Voldt, GenER-al Burkhalter, SIR!
Burkhalter: Klink, we have a problem with the prisoners.
Schultz: The Colonel and I were just–
Klink: Shut up, Schultz! …uhm, you heard the General…now, what were you saying?
Burkhalter: I said, we have a problem with the prisoners.
Klink: And which problem do we have with the prisoners, General?
Burkhalter: They don’t believe us anymore!
Klink: Exactly! We were just saying that the prisoners don’t believe us anymore! The Americans think we don’t know what the issues are and they know we caused many of the problems. They’re blaming us!
Burkhalter: And what was your plan to take care of this, Klink?
Klink: I…we…wanted to hear your opinion before we took any action, General Rove…I mean Burkhalter.
Burkhalter: The solution is so easy I’m amazed you didn’t come up with it on your own.
Klink: Well, we didn’t want to take credit for the General’s ideas…WHICH we knew you would eventually tell us. So what is the plan that we came up with before you told us?
Burkhalter: Klink, it is simple. When they say something is our fault we blame them!
Klink: We blame them?
Schultz: Excuse me, General, won’t they know we were to blame?
Burkhalter: The Americans are stupid.
Klink: So when they say we turned a blind eye to corrupt banking practices, and sent billions of dollars overseas to fight two unnecessary wars led to the economic collapse of the nation?
Burkhalter: We didn’t do it. It was the policies of the past three years, not the incompetence of the previous eight years.
Schultz: The economy is getting better?
Burkhalter: It’s their fault it’s not getting better faster.
Klink: Our abuse of women and ignorance of their issues?
Schultz: They created the issue, we love women!
Burkhalter: …women in their place, of course, but you’re getting the idea.
Klink: General, you always know what’s best!
Schultz: That is why he is the General and you are….uhm.
Burkhalter: I must be going, by the way, I’m taking your Secretary into town to visit a sick brother. She will be back tomorrow.
Klink: Of course, General Burkhalter. Please let her know that if there is anything we can do….
Burkhalter: No Klink. I will have everything in hand. Goodbye! (Burkhalter leaves)
Schultz: That is strange, Herr Commandant.
Klink: What’s that Schultz?
Schultz: Your secretary was just telling me she is an only child.