3rd From Sol

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3rd From Sol

Monthly Archives: October 2011

Satan’s Board Meeting

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Paul Kiser in Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bachmann, Boehner, Cain, Conservatives, Romney, Satan

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Paul Kiser

Nervously they waited for ‘The One.’ Cain was visibly nervous as he shifted in his chair. Sweat was trickling down his face and his expression kept changing from a smile to a frown and back again. With the exception of Bachmann, all the other people gathered seemed to fill the air with a growing tension, as if something really bad were about to happen to one or more of them. Bachmann smiled as she looked around the room. She was the only one who seemed happy to be at the table.

Good morning, Sir!

Bachmann leaned forward and put both hands on the table as she caught Satan’s eye and she gave him a flirtatious look and a wink…

Satan briskly entered the room trailed by Limbaugh and Murdoch. Everyone stood up at his entrance into the Board Room. Bachmann leaned forward and put both hands on the table as she caught Satan’s eye and she gave him a flirtatious look and a wink, to which Satan just gave her a nod. Bachmann had hoped for more. Cain managed to smile and spill out, “Good morning, Sir…,” and then quickly looked down as he was ignored. Satan reached the head of the table and smiled and said, “Sit, sit, …no need to be formal here among friends.” The group breathed a heavy collective sigh and all relaxed into their chairs.

"I told them we should tax the poor!"

“Are you with us or not?” asked Satan. Romney’s words stumbled out, “ya.., yes, Yes, of course…ALWAYS!”

“Gentlemen,” Satan began. Bachmann might have taken offense, but she couldn’t decide if he had singled her out of the rest of the group as an honor, or if he was just ignoring her, so she just decided to pout a little. Satan continued, “We are making great progress, but we are not there yet.” Satan paused for effect. The room stopped breathing. “Mitt!” The words caused Romney to snap his head toward the dominant presence in the room. “Are you with us or not?” asked Satan. Romney’s words stumbled out, “ya.., yes, Yes, of course…ALWAYS!” Romney tried to smile, but it didn’t quite look right. Satan continued in a low voice, “I’m just not feeling the love, Mitt.” Romney face looked pained as he said, “How could you say that?…I’m Mormon for devil’s sake!…We have millions of people believing that Jesus came to America and that God gave us a book on golden plates! What more can you ask?”

Satan's not feeling the love from Mitt

Satan smirked, “That’s yesterday’s news, Mitt.  What have you done for me lately?” Mitt looked down. Satan continued, “Herman has come up with a plan that will put more of a tax burden on his employees and less on him. Ricky has a similar plan that will make millionaires richer and the working class take up their slack…this is what I’m talking about!” “I’ve also called for an electrified fence to keep the Mexican Catholics out of America!”, Cain blurted out. Bachmann followed quickly, “I said we need to make the poor pay taxes!” “Yes Herman, your efforts to pit Christians against Christians are noted. Michelle, please remember you’re only here for entertainment,” replied Satan. Herman beamed as Bachmann returned to pouting.

Satan continued, “People, remember our goal! America, is the biggest threat to my domination of the world. Everyone wants the freedom, independence, and prosperity that Americans enjoy and while we have made progress in killing this dream we are far from claiming victory. The world needs to see that America is just another failed republic. A place of despair and fear where people intentionally sabotage the dreams of their neighbors.

Ten years ago today we were able to take away the American right of unwarranted suspicion and covert investigation with the Patriot Act, ….heh, heh,…I still get a kick out of that name, …but that was only one victory. We have to crush free-thinking with our thinking, and what is our thinking?”

“CONSERVATIVE,” answered everyone in unison.

…Satan turned to Boehner and said, “John, you have done well to kill that hope by blocking every move to restore America’s economy, but now we must crush the American spirit once and for all.

“Exactly,” said Satan. “We must continue to destroy the American economy by tearing down the very thing that keeps it running, the government. Once we have weakened the government sufficiently we can let greed run rampant. No one can stop us once the government is made impotent.

We almost had it all wrapped up in 2008, but then Obama came along and everyone had…,” Satan’s expression changed to look like he had just tasted dog poop, “…hope.” Satan turned to Boehner and said, “John, you have done well to kill that hope by blocking every move to restore America’s economy, but now we must crush the American spirit once and for all. We need more distraction to keep the liberals off balance. Talk about more anti-abortion laws, Christians always love it when they are allowed to determine what other people can and cannot do, so let them! And even Herman knows we can’t go wrong with immigration! Nothing unites white men like the fear of Mexicans. All of you have a special place in Hell on reserve, but you have to make it happen for me, first.”

Satan abruptly ended his speech, turned quickly and marched out of the room. His sudden move caught Limbaugh and Murdoch by surprise, causing Limbaugh to move quickly to his right, who subsequently colliding into Murdoch, who was still unaware that Satan was leaving. Both fell in a heap, then scrambled to get up and follow Satan. As they exited the room filled with silence. Finally Cain said, “I think he likes me.” Bachmann turned to Cain and said, “Herman, shut up.”

SWA Flight 768: The Golden Flight

24 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Paul Kiser in Business, Communication, Customer Relations, Customer Service, Information Technology, Internet, Public Relations, Travel

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

business travel, Southwest, Southwest Airlines, SWA, WiFi

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Paul Kiser

Tonight I am flying from St. Louis to Las Vegas on Southwest Airlines Flight #768. It’s been a long day and before I boarded this flight I was dreading flying all evening and getting back home near midnight; however, I’m actually in a GREAT mood.

It’s not because I’m knocking back a Bloody Mary, although that is helping my mood, and it’s not because the plane is only half full, which is certainly a positive, and it’s not because I’m sharing my row with Alicia, an intelligent, attractive USC student, which is a major positive…nope, the reason I’m elated right now is primarily due to the fact that I’m online and writing this blog while flying at 40,000 feet. That’s right, I’m WiFi in the night sky! I’m knee-deep in the Internet and my only care is will this flight last long enough for me to get this written and posted.

Here's to a sky full of SWA WiFi planes....soon

Some may not share my enthusiasm, but allow me to explain why this is so significant.

American business is Internet dependent. Our entire economy is driven by the ability of business people to connect on-line. The need to problem solve, discuss, plan, propose, and close the deal, in real-time is absolutely critical for commerce in our Brave New World of digital communications.

The problem is that communications stops                  …when we fly. And yet, that is the perfect time for the business traveler to reconnect. Those countless hours in an aluminum cylinder traveling at 525 miles per hour where we must sit alone and unconnected are killing productivity. Southwest Airlines will command the business traveler market if they have consistent, reliable WiFi.

I know they are working on it, and perhaps they have turned a corner. If so, this toast is to the people who are making that happen. There is nothing more valuable to the business traveler than time, and WiFi while traveling is gold to the rank and file business person.

Think about this. You might be reading this before I am back on the ground.  What if all your competitors were that productive? Would you be worried?

Netflix Member Since 2007…No More

08 Saturday Oct 2011

Posted by Paul Kiser in Business, Communication, Customer Relations, Customer Service, Ethics, Public Relations

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

DVD, DVD Rental, Media, Netflix, price increase, Qwikster, Reed Hastings

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Paul Kiser

I lied today. I had to lie. Netflix gave me no choice. Today I canceled our Netflix membership and afterward they ask me why I was canceling. All the choices for why I was canceling were designed to avoid identifying the real reason I, and one million other former members, have quit. We don’t want to be victims of Netflix investors anymore.

I would have said so in their survey, but Netflix doesn’t even give an ‘Other’ option. That tells me that they don’t want to hear why people are really quitting. I can understand why. It’s easier to tell your investors that every customer is asked why they quit and none of them said, “because you screwed me”…or some more appropriate answer that clearly identifies the unacceptable aggressive profiteering decisions made by Fortune magazine’s 2010 Business Person of the Year, Reed Hastings.

So Long Huckster!

On September 18, Hastings made a rambling, PR spun statement that sort of acknowledged the growing customer anger at Netflix, but then put the blame on the customers. Basically Hastings said that, yes, my monthly service fee was increased over 40% in nine months, and yes, the included streaming video service became an extra fee, and yes, the main supply of premium movies, the Starz Network, has pulled the plug on Netflix, but it was all a big misunderstanding…by the customer. Had he (Hastings) just explained he was going to jack up the fees and split up the service for an extra cost beforehand, all of us silly customers would be happy.

I’m not happy and it has nothing to do with Netflix’s communication skills, or lack thereof. Dramatically increasing prices in the 2011 economy not only shows incredible arrogance and insensitivity, it demonstrates that Hastings and Netflix is completely investor focused. He is positioning the company for profits and corporate bonuses and let the customer be damned. My guess is that the ‘apology’ was geared to appease investors when Netflix stocked tanked a couple of weeks earlier after Starz jumped ship.

I would expect that the next shoe to drop is downsizing. Less customers service, longer DVD turn arounds, and poorer customer service as Netflix looks to shore up profitability by cutting labor costs. Greed is good, and when you’ve sucked the customer’s goodwill dry, then you sell the company. This is a good time for customers to divest their interest in Netflix.

Reed Hastings has the last laugh. When a customer quits Netflix, they cut off service immediately….even if the customer has paid for the next month, so congratulations Mr. Hastings, I guess that makes you the winner.

Original article first published as
Netflix Member Since 2007…No More
on Technorati.com

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