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Nervously they waited for ‘The One.’ Cain was visibly nervous as he shifted in his chair. Sweat was trickling down his face and his expression kept changing from a smile to a frown and back again. With the exception of Bachmann, all the other people gathered seemed to fill the air with a growing tension, as if something really bad were about to happen to one or more of them. Bachmann smiled as she looked around the room. She was the only one who seemed happy to be at the table.
Bachmann leaned forward and put both hands on the table as she caught Satan’s eye and she gave him a flirtatious look and a wink…
Satan briskly entered the room trailed by Limbaugh and Murdoch. Everyone stood up at his entrance into the Board Room. Bachmann leaned forward and put both hands on the table as she caught Satan’s eye and she gave him a flirtatious look and a wink, to which Satan just gave her a nod. Bachmann had hoped for more. Cain managed to smile and spill out, “Good morning, Sir…,” and then quickly looked down as he was ignored. Satan reached the head of the table and smiled and said, “Sit, sit, …no need to be formal here among friends.” The group breathed a heavy collective sigh and all relaxed into their chairs.
“Are you with us or not?” asked Satan. Romney’s words stumbled out, “ya.., yes, Yes, of course…ALWAYS!”
“Gentlemen,” Satan began. Bachmann might have taken offense, but she couldn’t decide if he had singled her out of the rest of the group as an honor, or if he was just ignoring her, so she just decided to pout a little. Satan continued, “We are making great progress, but we are not there yet.” Satan paused for effect. The room stopped breathing. “Mitt!” The words caused Romney to snap his head toward the dominant presence in the room. “Are you with us or not?” asked Satan. Romney’s words stumbled out, “ya.., yes, Yes, of course…ALWAYS!” Romney tried to smile, but it didn’t quite look right. Satan continued in a low voice, “I’m just not feeling the love, Mitt.” Romney face looked pained as he said, “How could you say that?…I’m Mormon for devil’s sake!…We have millions of people believing that Jesus came to America and that God gave us a book on golden plates! What more can you ask?”
Satan smirked, “That’s yesterday’s news, Mitt. What have you done for me lately?” Mitt looked down. Satan continued, “Herman has come up with a plan that will put more of a tax burden on his employees and less on him. Ricky has a similar plan that will make millionaires richer and the working class take up their slack…this is what I’m talking about!” “I’ve also called for an electrified fence to keep the Mexican Catholics out of America!”, Cain blurted out. Bachmann followed quickly, “I said we need to make the poor pay taxes!” “Yes Herman, your efforts to pit Christians against Christians are noted. Michelle, please remember you’re only here for entertainment,” replied Satan. Herman beamed as Bachmann returned to pouting.
Satan continued, “People, remember our goal! America, is the biggest threat to my domination of the world. Everyone wants the freedom, independence, and prosperity that Americans enjoy and while we have made progress in killing this dream we are far from claiming victory. The world needs to see that America is just another failed republic. A place of despair and fear where people intentionally sabotage the dreams of their neighbors.
Ten years ago today we were able to take away the American right of unwarranted suspicion and covert investigation with the Patriot Act, ….heh, heh,…I still get a kick out of that name, …but that was only one victory. We have to crush free-thinking with our thinking, and what is our thinking?”
“CONSERVATIVE,” answered everyone in unison.
…Satan turned to Boehner and said, “John, you have done well to kill that hope by blocking every move to restore America’s economy, but now we must crush the American spirit once and for all.
“Exactly,” said Satan. “We must continue to destroy the American economy by tearing down the very thing that keeps it running, the government. Once we have weakened the government sufficiently we can let greed run rampant. No one can stop us once the government is made impotent.
We almost had it all wrapped up in 2008, but then Obama came along and everyone had…,” Satan’s expression changed to look like he had just tasted dog poop, “…hope.” Satan turned to Boehner and said, “John, you have done well to kill that hope by blocking every move to restore America’s economy, but now we must crush the American spirit once and for all. We need more distraction to keep the liberals off balance. Talk about more anti-abortion laws, Christians always love it when they are allowed to determine what other people can and cannot do, so let them! And even Herman knows we can’t go wrong with immigration! Nothing unites white men like the fear of Mexicans. All of you have a special place in Hell on reserve, but you have to make it happen for me, first.”
Satan abruptly ended his speech, turned quickly and marched out of the room. His sudden move caught Limbaugh and Murdoch by surprise, causing Limbaugh to move quickly to his right, who subsequently colliding into Murdoch, who was still unaware that Satan was leaving. Both fell in a heap, then scrambled to get up and follow Satan. As they exited the room filled with silence. Finally Cain said, “I think he likes me.” Bachmann turned to Cain and said, “Herman, shut up.”