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BREAKING NEWS — Detroit, MI, April 1, 2014

The Mayor of Detroit, Mike Duggan, announced that Detroit would be moving to La Pesca, Mexico. Mayor Duggan said:

“This is the out-of-the-box solution that will bring Detroit into the 21st Century.”

He added:

“We were never going to solve our problems by waiting for global warming to make Detroit a place where people wanted to live.”

Duggan also noted that by moving the city, all the problems of an aging infrastructure are left behind. He said that it will be less expensive to build a new infrastructure in the long run.

The move is made possible by a land-swap deal between Detroit, the United States, and Mexico. The United States is trading Detroit for the small coastal city of La Pesca and surrounding land. Detroit will be renamed by Mexico and all Mexican immigrants attempting to cross into the United States will be redirected and sent by bus or plane to the former city of Detroit. About the trade Duggan said:

“This solves the immigration issue and makes Detroit a tropical destination. It’s perfect.”

When asked about the drug cartels and violence in Mexico, Duggan replied:

“This is not a serious problem in this area, but if it were to become a problem I’d put our gangs against their drug cartels any day of the week.”

Officials say the deal will be finalized by the end of April and the new Detroit will be built over the next ten years. The move will begin by late 2015, and Detroit’s government will oversee both cities for the first five years. The transfer of ownership will be complete by 2020.