Category Archives: April Fools Day

Musk New Plan: Space Bridge to Mars

01 Monday Apr 2019

Posted by in April Fools Day, Business, Donald Trump, Exploration, Government, Mars, NASA, Space, SpaceX, Technology, US Space Program

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[1 April 2019 – Hawthorne, California] Forget rockets, Elon Musk announced a major change in his goal to colonize Mars: Build a space bridge with a 3D printer. Musk latest Tweet indicates he’s serious with a prototype by the end of this Summer.

Space Bridge Starts Twitter Storm

Reaction on Twitter was quick and enthusiastic.

But there were a few who had doubts:

But SpaceX fans quickly shot down the naysayers:

Another SpaceX fan quickly put up a professional artist’s rendering of what the space bridge and 3D printer might look like:

NASA All For Space Bridge

Coming out from an outdoor meeting with President Donald Trump at the Mar-a-Largo Club, NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine said,

This is exactly why we need business thinkers and wealthy people running NASA! This is the type of out-of-the-box thinking that scientists and engineers would reject before we’ve had a few billion tax dollars spent by private companies to try and make it work.

NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine

Bridenstine also indicated that Trump would declare a national emergency to get the funding for the space bridge. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders allegedly mumbled in the women’s bathroom at Mar-a-Largo Club that someone might, someday, issue a press briefing regarding the Space Bridge, maybe.

The online space news site, Space.com immediately posted an article praising Musk for his vision and wisdom. Space.com Senior Editor Ima Dunsel said, “We have no evidence of superior beings, but with Elon Musk, who needs them?” Other online space news sites voiced similar praises for Musk’s idea. 

It is as yet unclear as to what material would be used for the bridge, but as one SpaceX fan put it, “There is no doubt that SpaceX will get this done.” Another tweet suggested that other space corporations should, “…just die now and get it over with..,” as SpaceX has trumped them all.

April Fool’s Day is Donald Trump Day

01 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by in Aging, All Rights Reserved, April Fools Day, Assault Weapons, Communism, Conservatives, Discrimination, Donald Trump, Economy, Ethics, Gender Issues, Generational, Government, Government Regulation, Green, Gun control, Gun Extremists, Health, History, Honor, Mass Shootings, Nevada, Politicians, Politics, Pride, racism, Relationships, Religion, Reno, Respect, Russian influence, Second Amendment, Soviet Russia, Taxes, United States, US History, Vladimir Putin, Women

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On the third Monday of February, our country celebrates the great Presidents. For Donald Trump, we have a different holiday. For this day the western world can join in a celebration that even predates our country. We used to call it April Fool’s Day, but now we have the poster child of April Fool’s Day as our President.

Our Biggest April Fool

Donald Trump Day isn’t just for the man who became the Resident of the White House, but it recognizes all Trumpsters who adore hu and hu’s foolish ways. It is a day that the new Soviet Republican party can be remembered for their Collective Closed Mind. This is a holiday that has been in search of its people and now its people have been found!

On this special day let’s remember how special Donald Trump and the Trumpsters are as Fools of Humanity. To be a Fool:

  • One must believe that freedom of religion means a Taliban-like State where Christian extremists inflict their made-up racist-based mythology on everyone.
  • A person must accept that gun deaths are caused by non-Trumpsters, and the solution is more guns.
  • One should know that a man has the obligation to rule over women as subservient beings.
  • A person must believe that a book of mythological stories of life written over 2,000 years ago. They should think that it is how we should govern all citizens of the United States of America in the 21st century.
  • One must ignore all facts that contradict what you want to believe.
  • One must read the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America without the words “militia” and “well regulated.”
  • One can declare that all non-whites are illegal immigrants and that nullifies all laws prohibiting racism.

We Look Forward to the Day

There are many more, but this is a day for Donald Trump and hu’s Trumpsters. Let them speak for themselves. For the rest of us, we look forward to the day when the holiday only reminds us of Trump reign. Remind us of when Soviet Republicanism briefly took over our country. Remind us of why we celebrate April Fool’s Day only once a year, instead of suffering through it all year.

About This, About Writing

13 Saturday Jan 2018

Posted by in About Reno, April Fools Day, Branding, Business, Club Leadership, College, Communication, Crime, Education, Employee Retention, Ethics, genealogy, Generational, Government, Government Regulation, Health, Higher Education, History, Honor, Human Resources, Information Technology, Internet, Lessons of Life, Management Practices, Membership Recruitment, Membership Retention, Opinion, Panama, Photography, Politics, Public Image, Public Relations, racism, Relationships, Religion, Rotary, Science, Science Fiction, Social Interactive Media (SIM), Social Media Relations, Space, Taxes, Technology, Tom Peters, Travel, Universities, US History, Writing

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In the Beginning

Eight years ago I started writing this blog. I had assumed that writing a blog would put me in front of a broad audience anxiously awaiting my next post.

It didn’t….but I kept writing. I wrote about business, human behavior, human resources, management, social media, my personal life, Rotary, public relations, history, time, blogging, travel, Nevada, global warming, spaceflight, politics, my stroke, April Fool’s Day, religion, science fiction, science, photography, media, more history, Panama, gay marriage, the future, great people, not-so-great people, education, Moffat County, patriotism, more politics, and fantasy.

There were a few bright moments when I touched upon a topic that caught some attention, but for the most part, my writing has simply been an expression of my opinions and ideas. I’ve discovered, writing is more important than being read.

Writing, For Me

A blog is like writing a diary or a book. It is meant to a personal statement. Someday, my children or my children’s children may read it and know more about me. I find comfort in that thought. 

My articles became less frequent in the last few years, but recently I have experienced a rebirth of writing. I suspect that my sleep apnea may be one of the issues causing the decline in writing. My brain was starved of oxygen and sleep every night for many years. Now that I am being treated for it, my cognitive functions seem to be reengaging.

Writing a blog has improved my communication skills, and has helped me organize my thoughts. This, this thing I’m doing, is an unfinished novel about the world from one perspective. I’m not a great writer, but I’m better than I was eight years ago.

For the last month, I have been publishing a new article every day. I don’t know that I will keep up that pace, but it is forcing my brain to think, and that is the goal.

Rebranding My Writing

I have decided to rename my blog. First, the term ‘blog’ has developed a negative meaning to many people, so I needed to drop the term. Second, my last name is not as relevant as it was a year ago, before I discovered that biologically, I am not a ‘Kiser.’ 

I tried several title ideas but finally settled on PAULx talks. It is the 2.0 version of Paul Kiser’s Blog. I don’t have a destination in mind for my writing. I never have, but I’ll see where this takes me.

Detroit To Move City

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Government, Travel

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BREAKING NEWS — Detroit, MI, April 1, 2014

The Mayor of Detroit, Mike Duggan, announced that Detroit would be moving to La Pesca, Mexico. Mayor Duggan said:

“This is the out-of-the-box solution that will bring Detroit into the 21st Century.”

He added:

“We were never going to solve our problems by waiting for global warming to make Detroit a place where people wanted to live.”

Duggan also noted that by moving the city, all the problems of an aging infrastructure are left behind. He said that it will be less expensive to build a new infrastructure in the long run.

The move is made possible by a land-swap deal between Detroit, the United States, and Mexico. The United States is trading Detroit for the small coastal city of La Pesca and surrounding land. Detroit will be renamed by Mexico and all Mexican immigrants attempting to cross into the United States will be redirected and sent by bus or plane to the former city of Detroit. About the trade Duggan said:

“This solves the immigration issue and makes Detroit a tropical destination. It’s perfect.”

When asked about the drug cartels and violence in Mexico, Duggan replied:

“This is not a serious problem in this area, but if it were to become a problem I’d put our gangs against their drug cartels any day of the week.”

Officials say the deal will be finalized by the end of April and the new Detroit will be built over the next ten years. The move will begin by late 2015, and Detroit’s government will oversee both cities for the first five years. The transfer of ownership will be complete by 2020.

Rove and Limbaugh Twins

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

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Image credit KEVIN CIRILLI/Politico

Rush Limbaugh – TWIN?

BREAKING NEWS — Los Angeles, California, April 1, 2014

Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh held a joint news conference today to announce that they recently discovered that they have the same mother, and they are, in fact, twins. Limbaugh said,

“I’ve always known there was a special relationship between us because every time I see him I just want to kiss him.”

Image by TIM MAK/Politico

Karl Rove -TWIN?

Rove explained that he was born on Christmas Day, 1950, in Denver, Colorado, but that after he was born his mother gave him up and moved to Missouri. She continued to have contractions, but she thought that was just post pregnancy cramping . Less than three weeks later she was hospitalized for severe pain and Rush Limbaugh was born on January 12, 1951.

Both Rove and Limbaugh were giddy during the news conference and said they were considering buying neighboring houses in Costa Rica.

Speaker Boehner Hospitalized

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Government, Health, Politics

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BREAKING NEWS — Washington, D.C. April 1, 2014

House Speaker John Boehner was hospitalized early today. His condition is considered stable and he expected to make a full recovery.

When asked about the nature of the illness, an aide that requested to not be identified stated that he was suffering from constipation. The source stated, “We asked the doctors about the prognosis and they said it looks good, but right now nothing is moving.”

An update on Speaker Boehner’s condition is scheduled for 5:00 PM.

Nugent Attempts to Assassinate Obama, Gets Wrong City, Shoots Self

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Crime, Fiction, Government Regulation, Opinion, Politics, Universities

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Ted Nugent: America's Epic Fail

Ted Nugent: America’s Epic Failure

Miami, Florida – April 1, 2013

Last April the 64 year-old rock musician Ted Nugent said that if President Barack Obama was re-elected:

“…I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Ted Nugent

It was the latter and he still had two weeks to spare. On April 15, 2012, Nugent made the comment at the National Rifle Association (NRA) convention in St. Louis, Missouri. He was there to support Mitt Romney for President.

Nugent was arrested in Miami, Florida for attempting to assassinate the President; however, it may be hard for the prosecution to make a case against him since he was almost a 1000 miles away from the Commander-in-Chief. The President was scheduled to speak on the campus of the Miami University in Oxford, Ohio; however, Nugent went to the University of Miami in Miami, Florida.

Nugent apparently became enraged when he could not find President Obama and began waving a gun over his head yelling:

“WHERE IS HE! WHERE IS HE! I’LL KILL HIM! I’ll KILL HIM!”

Within minutes several campus police officers arrived and ordered Nugent to drop his weapon. Nugent apparently calmed down and began to tuck the gun under his belt at which point it discharged, wounding himself in the leg. He then yelled:

“You SHOT Me! You SHOT Me!”

The campus police then moved in, took Nugent’s gun and arrested him. It was several hours later that Nugent learned the police had not fired and that he shot himself. He is expected to make a full recovery, but doctors say that he may walk with a limp. When asked if the wound would affect his ability to play and sing, the hospital representative said:

“They’re doctors, not miracle workers.”

A spokesperson for the Secret Service was asked if they would be involved with the case and she said:

“The Secret Service focuses on credible threats, but somebody will probably have to go down to Miami anyway.”

Nugent will be arraigned in Miami on Monday.

Doomsday Now 2014, Not 2012

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Religion, Space

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Oakland, California – April 1, 2013

Family Radio (a.k.a; Family Stations, Inc.) headquartered in Oakland, California has announced that the end of the world has been rescheduled for February 21, 2014. They base their prediction on scripture and on an alignment of planets that will occur on that date. Family Radio and its former CEO, Harold Camping, have previously predicted the end of the world to occur on September 1994, March 1995, May 21, 2011, and October 21,  2011.

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

According to Family Radio, the Earth will be pulled apart because Mercury, Venus, and Mars will all be in a line and Jupiter and Saturn will be on opposite side of Earth. A spokesperson for Family Radio said:

“We knew the end of the world would not be in 2012. This is what happens when you listen to amateurs and godless heathens.”

When asked about how they determined this date to be the end of the world, the spokesperson said:

“The Mayans essentially were correct, but they made an error when they converted to the metric system.”

It was explained that the prediction of December 21, 2012 placed a one in the place of a zero (12 becomes 02) for the month, and that led to the year being off by two, so instead of 12.21.2012 it should have been 02.21.2014. When asked how the metric system applied to the date, the spokesperson replied:

“It’s too complicated for the lay person to understand. Trust us, we’ve been doing this for a long time.”

GPS for the Homeless

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Passionate People, Respect, Technology

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Dallas, Texas – April 1, 2013

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: GPS

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: A GPS device

Nancy Brinker, former Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure CEO, has a new cause. She is the driving force behind a new non-profit called, GPS 4 Homeless. The project is collecting old Global Positioning System (GPS) devices and giving them to the homeless.

In a news conference held this morning Brinker explained:

“The homeless are just people who are lost and need direction. That is exactly what a GPS device does and if homeless people could afford a GPS device they would no longer be lost! I don’t know why nobody has thought of this before!”

A spokesperson for GPS 4 Homeless added:

“When one of our people upgrade to a newer model they put the old one in a drawer. Now it can be put to good use for those people.”

When asked what they meant by ‘our people,’ the spokesperson responded, “You know, us.” Asked if they meant wealthy white people, the spokesperson replied, “Who else would I be talking about?”

Brinker added:

“This is one cause that has no political division. Everybody wants to help the homeless and that’s what we’re doing.”

GPS 4 Homeless is currently only in Texas, but their plan is to expand into Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Mississippi by 2014.

Chinese Men Givien iPads to Control Birthrate

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Generational, Government, Government Regulation, Health, Information Technology, Internet, Politics, Recreation, Relationships, Social Media Relations, Women

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April 1, 2013 – Beijing, China

iPad in China: Better than sex?

iPad in China: Better than sex?

It was revealed today that the Chinese government struck a deal with Apple to purchase significant quantities of iPads as part of a program to control the birthrate. Unofficial Chinese sources say that they have found that a male with an iPad spends 48% less time engaged in relationship-related activity including coitus.

“The iPad is the ultimate lover as it offers constant attention and requires very little in return,” according to one government source. China expects to reduce the birthrate by 25% or more through the alternative-stimulus program. 

Apple had no public comment on the use of iPads to inhibit sexual intercourse; however, privately a reliable source did say that since iPad was launched in April 2010, the city of Cupertino, California, where Apple is headquartered, has seen no growth in population.

No one offered a direct cause for why the iPad might have an affect in inhibiting sexual activity, but one woman we asked said, “Are you just stupid, or what?”

Apple says it doesn’t expect any shortages of iPads despite the massive purchase; however, they don’t know when any more iPad will be delivered to the United States.

Queen Elizabeth II Abdicates, Five Heirs Refuse Throne

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Aging, April Fools Day, Fiction, Generational, Politics

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London, England – April 1, 2013

Princess Eugenie to become Queenie Eugenie?

Queenie Eugenie?

Citing the Pope as her inspiration, Queen Elizabeth II shocked the world when it was announced that she would abdicate her throne in order to enjoy her golden years as commoner. Buckingham Palace announced the news and added that Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Harry, Prince Andrew, and Princess Beatrice all declined to succeed the Queen, leaving Princess Eugenie as the next in line for the throne.

None of the Royal family has spoken publicly about the sudden upheaval; however, sources have stated that Princess Eugenie is quoted to have said, “Hell yes!” when asked if she would consider taking the throne. Royal sources said that the immediate family are requiring that she be fully briefed on the responsibilities she would be assuming if she becomes Queen before her answer is accepted.

Prince Charles apparently politely declined when approached by the Queen, and Prince William is reported to have cited the wish to focus on their new child, rather than assume the throne. Prince Harry is said to have been less graceful in his refusal when he said “Bite me, I’m not that stupid!” No reason was offered on or off the record for Princess Beatrice reason to decline the throne.

Queen Elizabeth II, the second longest reigning monarch, was thought to have a chance to surpass Queen Victoria and become the longest reigning monarch; however, she will apparently fall about two and a half years short of that mark.

If Princess Eugenie, who just turned 23, becomes England’s next Queen, she will be younger that Elizabeth II, who was 25 when she became Queen.

The coronation could be held as soon as this summer or fall depending on how quickly a final decision is reached. 

Boehner, GOP Pass Funding Scheme For Privatized Death Star

01 Monday Apr 2013

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Washington, D.C. – April 1, 2013  

Republicans in Congress managed to slip a little noticed addendum to the budget bill that provides a funding scheme for a Star Wars-like Death Star to be operated and run by private interests. The language of the addendum would void the entire budget bill if removed and authorizes the funding plan if Congress fails to pass or kill the budget bill on it by April 4, 2013. The authors of the measure have created legislation where no action is required to fund the Death Star. House Speaker Boehner (Ohio-R) said:

“We are very comfortable with legislation that requires no action. It’s what we’ve been doing for years and we’re getting very good at it.” (Rep. Boehner)

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine out the luxury condos and living envioronment

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine the luxury condos and living environment out of existing rock

Boehner added that this a budget neutral bill as the initial government funding for the project is a loan that will be repaid by a private consortium over the term of the loan. Unnamed sources have confirmed the term of the loan to be 10,000 years. Representative and former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said,

“This is a win-win-win project. It provides hundreds of thousands of new jobs over the next 100 years, it will put America’s back in space again, and it is the mother of all defense programs.” (Rep. Ryan)

When asked about a rumored plan to use prisoners from thousands of American jails as cheap and expendable labor, Ryan replied, “Another win-win! We’ll decrease the prison population and lower construction expenses.”

President Obama was asked about the Death Star project at his press conference today to encourage consideration of discussion regarding of forming a committee to address global warming. The President said:

“You know, back in December we killed this idea and gave good reasons why it should be killed, which is probably why the Republicans ran with it.” (President Obama) 

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) chided the press for overstating the military function of the massive artificial satellite. McConnell said:

“Once again the liberal press has labeled this great project to re…re…uhm…what’s the word…reflect, that’s it! Uhm…what was I saying?” (Senator McConnell)

Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) then added:

“I believe that what Senator McConnell is trying to saying is that by referring to it as the ‘Death Star’ the liberal press has given a sinister impression of the purpose of this project. Most of this project will be dedicated to luxury condos for those who wish to use Earth’s Second Moon as their primary or secondary residence.” (Senator McCain)

It was reported by some unnamed sources, one of which was former Vice President Dick Cheney, that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the President and CEO for the consortium building the artificial satellite. When questions were raised about someone of such advanced age running a 100-year project, Rep. Boehner said:

“We have that covered. We have identified five donors with the correct blood type and tissue match to keep the former Vice President healthy and active for at least the next twenty-five years. After that, we will have five more ready to go.” (Rep. Boehner)

When asked if the media would be allowed to interview the donors Boehner said:

“Oh they don’t know they are donors yet. This is a Homeland Security issue and they’ll know when they need to know.” (Rep. Boehner)

The six organizations will take the lead in the design, construction, operation, ownership of the project were identified are: Exxon, Koch Industries, KBR (the former subsidiary of Halliburton,) The Las Vegas Sands Corporation, the National Rifle Association (NRA), and Papa Johns Pizza.

Cheney said:

“These organizations are a perfect fit to carry out the construction and operation of this project. We have all our bases covered.” (Former VP Cheney)

When asked if the project will have a science component like the International Space Station, Paul Ryan answered:

“It will have a science component, but the science will be limited to the confirmation of the existence of God and how He create our universe. We’re not going to waste millions of dollars chasing after scientific hokum.” (Rep. Ryan)

Representative Steven King (R-Iowa) clarified:

“I think it’s important to understand the primary purpose of the Second Moon project. This is a place for certain people to escape Earth’s bounds and celebrate their success. It’s not the type of place that President Obama’s daughters will go for spring break.”

The project is tentatively scheduled for completion by the 2nd Quarter of 2110.

Coming on Monday: The Apology

28 Thursday Mar 2013

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I must apologize in advance regarding the yet to be published stories for Monday.

I apologize to Queen Elizabeth II and to the Royal Family for anything I may write that might offend them next Monday. To them, please know that I have already prepared myself for the call from Buckingham Palace from the man with a firm British voice that will say, “The Queen was NOT amused.” I blame only myself for my severe lack of etiquette and manners. Again, I apologize.

Sincerely,

Paul Kiser, a distant relative of someone whom assuredly offended the Royal Family when they arrogantly skipped country and founded a new nation.