Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders campaigns are rejoicing at the revelations about to be exposed from secret Hillary Clinton emails on a private server, while she was Secretary of State. Among the revelations are:

• In 2009, Clinton attempted to humiliate, then Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, by arranging to have him photographed in the nude, riding a horse.
• In 2012, Clinton outlined a plan to become President, and use the Girl Scouts of America to send their members door-to-door under the ruse of selling cookies to determine which homes had guns, followed by night raids by Navy Seals to collect the guns.
• In 2010, Clinton admitted in an email, that while she was Senator from New York, she conspired to run for President as a ruse to become Secretary of State, where she intended to set up a private email account, rather than using a government email account.

Fox News broke the story today and declared that this scandal will finally end the Clinton campaign to become President of the United States. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, reacted to the news by saying, “Huh, what?” followed by a scathing, “Okay, great.”

Mitch McConnell said,

“Finally, we not only have the smoking gun on Clinton, we have the powder, the shot, the wading, and that tamper thing that you use to push it all the stuff down the barrel. She not going to be President because she’s going to jail!”

Vladimir Putin tests drives new Russian air conditioned military personnel carrier

According to sources in the FBI familiar with the emails, the attempt to humiliate Putin was almost thwarted when he refused to take off the pants; however, the photographer decided that an image of Putin’s sagging breasts and small hands were adequate to accomplish the goal.

Apparently, the conspiracy to collect guns from United States citizens was later eliminated when it was determined that gun owners would likely shoot a Girl Scout under the assumption she was a burglar.

In a campaign speech today, Trump said, “There’s going to be a lot more coming out on Clinton’s emails. I know, because, really, I’m God, no, really, I am, and I’m not happy with her.” Sanders responded to questions from reporters about the rumors of the secret emails by saying, “This campaign is about momentum, and the superdelegates….I’m sorry, what was the question?”