I was reading the example employee relations letter of how to tell an employee that they are not getting a raise. I decided I would give a more realistic letter.

What They Really Think

Hey, What’s Your Name,

Employee relations is important to us and you’re a valuable asset to our organization…wait, who am I kidding, you’re a meaningless drone and it’s time I put you in your place. Every year I get the same stupid question from sniveling employees like you. It’s always, “I’m I getting a raise?” NO, YOU ARE NOT GETTING A RAISE! We pay you more than you deserve and we’re not going to add to our misery by paying you more.

What you don’t seem to understand is that this money is ours, not yours, and our job is to keep as much of it as possible. It’s bad enough that when we hire a new drone, like yourself, we have to pay them more than you because most of the scum out there won’t work for what we pay you now.

We have investors. They are important people and we serve them, not you. When their not happy, they take our bonuses away. Why would you think we would put more money in your pocket that should go in our pockets???

Now I’m sure that you think we’re afraid you’ll leave. HA! To go where? We have connections everywhere and our little birds talk to all the other little birds our there. No one is going to want you once we talk to them.

You probably thought that Obamacare was going to provide you health insurance if you left our company, and now that’s gone. We’ve also decided to reduce our payment on your medical premium and reduce the coverage. Whadya gonna do…fire us?

We’re in a whole new world now, and it’s time you learn just exactly who is in control. Be happy we don’t take more away from you POS. Actually, be happy when we take more away. It’s ours anyway.

Sincerely,

Corporate America