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DNA Shock +5 Years: What I Know & Lessons Learned

23 Sunday Jan 2022

Posted by Paul Kiser in Colorado, Ethics, Family, genealogy, Honor, Lessons of Life, Life, Mental Health, parenting, Small town

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Ancestry.com, Barrick, DNA, DNA testing, Family, family history, Frances Barrick, genealogy, Kiser, Vernon Kiser

Five years ago today I was in a condo on a beach in Panama. I was on an adventure and life was great. It was my seventh and final trip to that country in less than three years. I was enjoying the warm tropical air and didn’t know I was about to have a DNA shock that would transform my life by events that happened 59 years earlier. On the 23rd of January 2017, I received an email regarding a DNA match on Ancestry.com. In checking the match I realized that this was more than finding a new cousin. This match would prove that I had a different father than the man who raised me.

Sunset in Panama on 23 January 2017. When I took this image of the setting Sun, I had just learned that I wasn’t a Kiser by blood.

The news did not impact me immediately. It took me about an hour to understand what the DNA results meant, days to realize that I had no blood connection to my last name, months to realize that my birth certificate was wrong, and years to learn who knew and when they knew.

Everyone involved in this affair has passed away. Firsthand accounts are not possible, but I have pieced together enough information to understand how this situation played out.

The Trauma of My Conception and the Resolution at Birth 

In 1957, Vernon Kiser was 37 years old and had married Frances Barrick seventeen years earlier. He had worked in a coal mine, worked on road maintenance, and even started his own small construction company with a dozer he owned. At some time around 1957, he had given up his company and began work for another small town construction company.

Frances became pregnant in the Spring of that year. According to the account of a witness, after Vernon learned of her pregnancy, he became distraught and even moved out of his house for a week or so. He knew he was not the biological father and that the real father was his boss. Everything would appear to be heading to a life-altering crisis for all involved.

However, months later, I was born. Vernon Kiser officially claimed to be my Dad on my birth certificate and he continued to work for his boss, my biological Father. Among the evidence of the reconciliation is a picture of me sitting on my biological Father’s lap when I was about seven months old. This picture was most likely taken by my Dad as he had the only camera in our family. All of this indicates that a reconciliation had been in the best interest of everyone involved.

Me sitting on my biological Father’s lap. July 1958

DNA Shock and the Aftershock 

In 2017, the DNA news was a shock, but it was also transformative. Aspects of my life and my relationship with my parents that didn’t make sense suddenly were in a new light. Despite the resolution after my birth, I believe the trauma of the event rippled through my childhood.

I was the fourth and final child born to Frances. My birthplace, Craig, was and still is a small town located in the sagebrush of northwestern Colorado’s high desert. As I grew up I had friends but none that ever lasted for more than a few years. I was a loner most of the time probably because my interests were rarely the same as most other kids my age.

The Kiser family sans me. I would have been an infant when this picture was taken.

I was the ‘Caboose Child’ of my family and I was four years younger than my next oldest brother. By the time I was in Kindergarten, my oldest brother was heading off to Vietnam, the next oldest was in high school, and my closest brother was in four years ahead of me in elementary school.

Parenting Style: Apathy or Shame?

My parents were…parents. Vernon worked all the time and Frances kept the household functioning. It wasn’t a child-centered family. I did my homework and I had a few chores, but mostly I was left to do what I wanted to do.

I eventually noticed that while my parents always attended the sports events of all three of my older brothers and the plays of my next older brother, they rarely showed support of my school activities in public.  

After I left for college, I realized that my upbringing was slightly different than many other people my age. Others had parents that were strongly connected to their children whereas my parents had been largely uninvolved. For example, some parents were enthusiastic to have their children go to college. My parents didn’t stop me from going to college but they were apathetic about it. My mother did provide some money for college but I was expected to pay my own way.

I had no other models of parents to really compare my Mom and Dad to, but over time I began to question their parenting style.

College Days. First independence.

I was frustrated at times over what I considered a lack of interest, but I finally decided that they must have been tired of being a parent by the time I came along. My mother had raised children for twelve years before I was born. By the time I graduated from high school, she had been a parent for thirty years. When I did the math, it all made sense.

Small Town Gossip

What I hadn’t considered was the possible impact of shame and embarrassment in a small town where gossip is a natural part of life. It is now apparent that many people were aware of the circumstances of my conception. Whether that shame and embarrassment became a factor in my parent’s public support of me is impossible to know. Again, I was the last child of four in the family so simple parent fatigue could be the main factor in their parenting style.

Within months after I left for college, my Dad abruptly took a demotion from a senior position at the Moffat County Road Department to live in a remote location outside of Craig. At the time, I assumed that they had a secret longing to go back to country-style living; however, now I wonder. Did my departure from their daily lives give them permission to get away from the gossip of the small town? No one will ever know the truth.  

Seeing the Bigger Picture

There are many questions that I have about my childhood, but what is significant is that I now can respect the trauma they likely endured. The irony is that they made a major sacrifice in order to do what was best for everyone involved. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had known the truth while my parents were still alive, but I would like to think I could have appreciated my Dad’s decision to raise me as his own.

My biological Father died in a dozer rollover accident when I was a small child. It would be interesting to know how my life might have been different if he had still been around as I grew up. Once again, no one will ever know the answer.

The past five years have allowed me to reexamine my life with the knowledge of how it began. Some of my revelations have been humorous. For example, my mother kept insisting that I must have Native American (she said, Indian) blood. She maintained that my paternal grandfather was half to three-quarters Native American. He was not. In addition, my Dad was blonde-haired and blue-eyed. It was an absurd idea. Now I know that she was attempting to throw me off the trail of my true family history by feeding me false information.

The Things That I Now Understand

  1. My parents were trying to ‘save’ or ‘protect’ me by keeping the truth from me. They were also trying to protect themselves.
  2. My parents believed that I would never know the truth.
  3. It was a time and place when the truth would have been devastating to both families.
  4. It was an affair, a small town, and it happened over 60 years ago. No one needs to be ashamed or needs to try to explain why it happened.
  5. The longer I wasn’t told the truth, the harder it became to do so.

After the DNA Shock: The Lessons

  1. The measure of a person is not what happens to him or her, but by how he or she responds to the situation.
  2. All relationships must be grounded in BOTH respect and love. Love doesn’t exist without respect as the foundation.
  3. Blood is less important than the heart but blood is not unimportant. Knowing your true ancestors is part of your history. The future remains to be created.
  4. A surname and a birth certificate shouldn’t be what identifies you as a person.
  5. Knowing a secret that impacts another person but not sharing that knowledge with that person defines your relationship or lack of it with that person.

[SEE:  Familius Inturruptus to read the article I wrote a week after I learned of the DNA match.]

My Four Fathers

16 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Business, Communication, Ethics, genealogy, Generational, Management Practices, parenting, Pride, Public Image, Relationships, Respect, Women

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Barrick, Colorado, Craig, Depue, Family, family history, Henderson, Kiser, siblings, son, Vernon Kiser, Waner

(To understand the background of this story see, Familius Interruptus, the explanation of how I learned through a DNA test that my father was not my father, and that my mother had an affair with another man known to our family.)

I had four fathers. Two of my fathers were real, tangible people. Both were good men and both were good fathers. One of my fathers was my biological father. I knew of him, and people have told me about him, but I never really knew him. He died when I was five years old.

One of my fathers was my man listed on my birth certificate. He was the man I always knew to be my Dad. He raised me and until a few months ago, I was led to believe he was my real father.

But I have two other fathers. They are the two men who I never got to know. They are ghosts of my past. They are the relationships I should have had with both my biological father, and my Dad, but were kept from me in a shroud of secrecy, rumors, and shame.

My Biological Father
My knowledge of my biological father is limited. He was a business owner in Craig, a small northwestern Colorado town. Based on everything I can gather, he was an amazing entrepreneur, creating and maintaining a business in a market that was too small, and too poor for the quality and experience his company offered.

My biological father

I have never heard anyone speak a negative word about my real father. His tragic death when I was only five, kept me from having any kind of relationship with him, and the shroud of secrecy that was maintained prevented me from interacting with the people who really knew him. 

It is ironic and poetic that it is the next generation of my biological family that reached out to me after a DNA test proved the link between myself and their family. It was their actions that brought clarity and truth to my family history, and I am grateful.

I regret not knowing my real father and being able to know him as my father. I also am saddened to think of his sons and their mother. His death occurred when his sons were young adults. From what I know of my real father, he would have been proud of who they became, and of their achievements with their families, their work, and their church. My lack of a relationship with my real father pales in comparison to their loss.

My Dad
The man who raised me worked hard all his life. He was often up on Mondays before five in the morning and on the road to the job site, over an hour away. He often stayed at the job site during the week, living out of a camping trailer. He operated heavy equipment, and as a child the words, Cat, Maintainer, and Scraper described the three types of heavy equipment that my father used to build roads and reservoirs.

My Dad, and my Mother

I was the youngest of four sons to my Dad. I remember going with my family to see my oldest brother play high school basketball, my next oldest brother play high school football, but I don’t remember my Dad going see my next to youngest brother in plays, nor do I remember him coming to any of my school events. I suspect that when I was a child, my Dad was at the job site when our events were happening.

If my Dad knew, or suspected that I was not his son, I was not aware of it. I have indications that my mother and he had a strange marriage, but as a child, I had nothing to compare their relationship with, nor did I have any reference to compare my relationship with my parents. In hindsight, I knew I was not the child that my parents beamed with pride over, but I attributed it to being the last of four boys.

The Kiser brothers and me (on left)

My mother posted an October 1968, Erma Bombeck column on our family scrapboard about the Caboose Child that was ‘planned about as well as a headache.’ At the time, I had no idea that my mother was probably well aware of who my real father was, but I didn’t understand the statement she was probably making when she posted this single article on the scrapboard.

I suspect my father also knew, and that is part of the story that is amazing and tragic. Most people would shun the bastard child, but to my knowledge, he didn’t. Our relationship wasn’t close, but he could have justifiably shunned me, and he didn’t.

That is the Dad I didn’t get to know. The man who probably knew I was not his child, but raised me anyway. Regardless of what happened one day in March of 1957, he chose to be my Dad. I wish that before his death, I could have expressed my appreciation for living with the knowledge that few men would have had the character to move beyond.

My Dad wasn’t a perfect father, but he was a father to me, when he could have rejected me. I had a relationship with my Dad that I knew, and I wish I could have had a relationship with the part of my Dad who had to deal with the reality that I was as a son of another man.

I am too late, but I want to express gratitude to my fathers, and wish them a belated Happy Father’s Day.

Moffat County, Colorado: Story of Two Families (Part II-Destiny Unfolds)

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Paul Kiser in Generational, History, Passionate People, Travel

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Barrick, Colorado, Craig, Depue, Dust Bowl, emigrant, Family, family history, Frances Barrick, genealogy, Great Depression, John Wesley Depue, Kiser, Lucy Elizabeth Spicer, Mervin E. Barrick, Moffat, Moffat County, Vernon Kiser

Life on the Emigrant Car

Life on the Emigrant Car

The birth of Moffat County occurred in 1911, and it came with a wave of settlers who had been encouraged to claim homesteads in the county. Most travelled by train with their possessions in an emigrant car. The settlers would then hire wagons to deliver the household goods from the train station to the homestead. Both the Barrick and the Kiser families used emigrant cars to haul their possessions to northwestern Colorado.

Mervin Edward Barrick

Mervin Edward Barrick

1913-Barrick Family Emigration
The Barrick family came to Moffat County in April of 1913. 41 year-old Mervin E. Barrick filed for a homestead ten miles southwest of Craig. He, his wife, Lucy Elizabeth Spicer, and three boys, Buford (18), George Dean (12), and Floyd (8) rode the train from Boulder to the end of the line at Steamboat Springs. By that Fall, the track would extend to Craig, but now the family had to take the stage to Craig.

The family found life an adventure in the new country. In Craig they stayed in the Webb Hotel until the wagons with their belongings arrived. Once the wagons had caught up with them they were taken to their new homestead. The family written history gives a bleak description of arriving at their new home:

Lucy Elizabeth Spicer

Lucy Elizabeth Spicer

“We arrived about the middle of the afternoon and unloaded in the sage brush (sic) and grubbed out a place to pitch a tent and a place to cook and sleep until we could build a tent house. We carried our water for a mile for a couple of weeks until we could dig out a spring closer to home.”

The family worked on the track extension near Hayden that summer, with Mervin and Buford working on the grade while Lucy and the two boys prepared and fed a work gang of up to 20 men. The next few years were a mix of working at the Mt. Harris coal mine and continuing to work on the homestead.

1918-Kiser Family Emigration

Earl Leroy Kiser holding his daughter Velma June with his mother Arminda Nixon and his grandmother Anna McFadden

Earl Leroy Kiser holding his daughter Velma June with his mother Arminda Nixon and his grandmother Anna McFadden

Earl Kiser was 24, when he brought his wife, Mabel Warner and two year-old daughter, Velma June to Craig on April 24, 1918. They traveled by car for a week to get to Craig from Selden, Kansas.

Later Velma June, the eldest daughter recounted the events:

“April 17, Dad, Mother, June, Cecil, and Joe Sulzman started from Selden to Craig in an open Ford. We went to Aunt Orpha’s for dinner, took pictures and started on. We stayed with Uncle Dan Warner that night. We got to Uncle Ted Warner’s for late dinner Thursday and went to Uncle Art Warner’s that night. We left Art’s in a storm which lasted all day….” 

The family travelled through northeast Colorado to Ingleside, located northwest of Fort Collins. From there they headed north, probably on a road that was a predecessor of U.S. Highway 287. The narrative continues:

“…That night we stayed at Ingleside, Colorado. We did our own cooking, and an Indian made our coffee. Monday night we stayed at Hanna, Wyoming; Tuesday night, at Dad, Wyoming, and Wednesday night in Craig at the Armstrong Hotel.”

Their homestead was northwest of Craig, but shortly after arriving they decided to take land at High Mesa. The next year Vernon Kiser was born at High Mesa making him the first Kiser child to be born in the County.

The family written narrative lists the highlights of 1919:

“1919. We bought Bess and Bell, a gray team, from Mr. Ledford in the spring. Vernon Warner Kiser was born October 17, with Dr. Davenport in attendance and Mrs. Strailey as nurse. Nina Kinley was the first teacher at High Mesa. Raymond Warren Comstock died of diabeted (sic) September 18. We spent Christmas at home. June got a doll and Vernon a rattle (from) grandpa and Grandma Lizzie Kiser.”

1920’s-Barrick and Kiser Families Grow

George Dean and Leona Barrick

George Dean and Leona Barrick

In July of 1920, now 19 year-old George Dean Barrick married 16 year-old Leona Elizabeth Depue in Craig, Colorado. The Depue family had moved to the Moffat County from Weld County, north of Denver, sometime around or just before 1917. Leona was the youngest daughter of seven Depue children, two of which had died before she was born. Leona’s father, John Wesley Depue, died in Craig in 1917, at the age of 55.

George Dean and Leona Barrick had their first child in 1921, George Dean, Jr. In 1924, Frances Elizabeth was born, followed by three more daughters, Virginia Dale (1928), Lucy Mildred (1934), and Gladys Faye (1939). All the children were born in Craig.

Mabel Alta Kiser

Mabel Alta Kiser

Earl and Mabel Kiser would have two more sons, Loren Dale (1922) and Hubert Leroy (1925). They were both born in Craig. Vernon attended the High Mesa School until 1933, when he graduated from grade school. The next Fall he began attending High School in Craig; however, transportation to and from school was enough of an issue to warrant mentioning in the family history:

“Vernon drove our Ford part of the time and part time went with Byrl. Vernon played football, was right guard, No. 27.”

1936 Craig High School football team

1936 Craig High School football team

193o’s – End of Homesteading
By the 1930’s Moffat County was changing. In the 1920’s the cattlemen had literally fought battles against sheepherders and settlers under the belief that the land they had used for grazing belonged to them. At one point the Colorado State Militia had to be called in to restore the peace between the cattlemen and sheepherders. By 1920, they had lost the battle over ownership of the land and the cattle ranching industry faded dramatically.

Homesteading peaked and was fading in the 1920’s. By 1934, the government had shut down programs encouraging settlers to come the area. Many of those who had homesteaded gave up their land and either left or moved into Craig. In 1920, 25% of county citizens lived in Craig. By 1930, that percentage had increased to almost 30%, and by 1940, almost 42% of Moffat County’s population lived in Craig.

Percent of Moffat County population living in Craig

Percent of Moffat County population living in Craig

This trend of living in town might not have surprised early explorers who expressed doubts that people could live off the land in the high desert of northwestern Colorado. It is also possible the Great Depression and Dust Bowl played a role in moving into town where work of jobs and opportunities were more likely.

NEXT:  Part III – Another Radiator Springs

BACK:  Part I – Pre-Homesteading

Other Pages of This Blog

  • About Paul Kiser
  • Common Core: Are You a Good Switch or a Bad Switch?
  • Familius Interruptus: Lessons of a DNA Shocker
  • Moffat County, Colorado: The Story of Two Families
  • Rules on Comments
  • Six Things The United States Must Do
  • Why We Are Here: A 65-Year Historical Perspective of the United States

Paul’s Recent Blogs

  • Dysfunctional Social Identity & Its Impact on Society
  • Road Less Traveled: How Craig, CO Was Orphaned
  • GOP Political Syndicate Seizes CO School District
  • DNA Shock +5 Years: What I Know & Lessons Learned
  • Solstices and Sunshine In North America
  • Blindsided: End of U.S. Solar Observation Capabilities?
  • Inspiration4: A Waste of Space Exploration

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