3rd From Sol

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Tag Archives: marriage

What About Marriage?

02 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Communication, Gender Issues, Generational, Health, Lessons of Life, Life, Marriage, Mental Health, parenting, Religion, Respect, United States, Women

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children, divorce, gay marriage, husband, LGBT, LGBTQ, love, marriage, parents, Relationships, spouse, widowed, wife

I’ve been married twice. Eight years the first time and I am nearing 25 years in the second marriage. I look back at my marriage experiences and I consider young adults and the decisions they have to make in relationships. The question is whether or not marriage worth it? I believe that like most important life decisions, there is no perfect answer.

[Author’s NOTE:  For the purpose of this discussion, marriage is defined as a lifelong, intimate, and exclusive commitment to another person regardless of the genders of the couple (female/male, male/male, or female/female) involved in the relationship. It includes couples who have not officially married but have mutually agreed to have an exclusive, cohabitating relationship. This discussion assumes a monogamous relationship and does NOT include other types of multiple spousal relationships such as polygamy, polygyny, polyandry, or polyamory.]

A Case For Marriage

Despite all the challenges to maintaining a relationship over time, marriage usually has a positive effect on both partners that cannot be achieved as a single individual. Maybe it is sharing the burden of life with someone else that makes our existence more rewarding. Maybe it is the stability of the relationship that smooths out the manic aspects of life.

Regardless, there is almost always a reward in having a significant, loving relationship that is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve by living alone. Marriage typically makes us more focused, more rational, and more emotionally stable.

For some couples, marriage becomes the center of their lives. Decisions are made jointly and other people see the couple as a single entity. All things are shared, even an email address.

For other couples, marriage is a symbiotic relationship that enriches each other’s experiences. Each person maintains a separate identity but time spent together is the oasis of their lives.

It is interesting to note that research indicates that married men live longer than men who remain single, divorced, or are widowed, although there are disputing studies that suggest single men that stay single also live longer. Men who lose their spouse have an increased risk of dying within a short period afterward. Note that this data is on heterosexual couples. Same-gender marriages are relatively new and there has not been enough time to study longevity issues associated with single-sex marriages.

A Case Against Marriage

Any relationship is complicated because it involves the hopes, desires, and preconceptions of two people. The idea that two people will have attitudes about marriage that perfectly coincide is absurd. People who decide to get married typically are willing to compromise on their preconceptions of marriage in exchange for the hope that over time a compromise will be reached and their relationship will become perfect.

While compromises in a relationship are usually made, eventually one or both reach a point where they realize that they compromised on things that are important to them. It is at this point the Dissatisfaction Syndrome begins.

Dissatisfiers

Many years ago I realized that decisions are driven by dissatisfaction. A person becomes dissatisfied with something and ultimately decides to make a change. This usually happens over time and consists of multiple ‘dissatisfiers.’

An example would be a person’s employment. Initially, a person may be excited about a new job, but over time the employee will experience dissatisfiers (reaching top of the pay scale, unreasonable demands, poor management decisions, disagreeable co-workers, etc.) and that person will begin considering looking for a new job. Eventually, a final event (dissatisfier) will motivate an employee to take action.

This happens in marriages. Dissatisfiers can operate in the background of any relationship and build over time. A tipping point is reached when the person realizes that the marriage is no longer sufficiently satisfying and a change must be made. 

The Growth Problem

Another problem in any relationship is the Growth Problem. Human development occurs over a lifespan. A healthy, well-adjusted person needs to engage in a continuous process of learning and adapting. The problem is that humans learn and adopt new attitudes and priorities at different rates and usually in different directions.

A person at 25 is completely different than they are at 40, so what happens when the person you’ve been with for 15 years is now a stranger?

The Worst Marriage:  Codependency

There is a worst-case scenario in marriage. It is when one or both partners are codependent on each other. In this situation, all the normal things that breakdown a relationship occur but one or both partners stay in the relationship because the can’t imagine living independently.

This results in the marriage becoming a black hole of despair, anger, and mistrust that destroys the mental and emotional health of both partners.

Children and Marriage

I believe that children substantially impact a marriage, but that children tend to magnify the state of the relationship. In the case of a healthy relationship, the net impact is to enhance and deepen the relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, the net impact increases the existing problems and issues.  

“Till Death Do You Part?”

The concept of marriage has radically changed over the last two centuries, along with the human lifespan. Most advanced countries accept that the ‘wife’ is no longer the property of the male. Additionally, divorce has become more accepted.

The idea that marriage is for life is not practical for most people despite that many religions still cling to 18th-century concepts of marriage. There are some couples that defy the odds and maintain a loving relationship until death but in many cases, a relationship can become destructive to the emotional and mental health of one or both partners after a period of time.

The Need For a Different Marriage Model

I don’t believe that anyone can predict or accurately assess a couple’s relationship and know whether or not it will last. There are too many variables.

Still, there are benefits to monogamous relationships and marriage creates a framework for a couple to be committed to each other. The problem is that in many relationships, a point of no return is reached that signals the end. What is needed is a new model of marriage that requires couples to have an ongoing assessment of their relationship (e.g.; counseling,) a measure of the quality of the relationship (e.g.; is it working or not) and, if needed, an acceptable transition out of the relationship that keeps both people whole.

What isn’t accounted for in this model are the children. A child should be a planned event, as much as possible, with the understanding that a child creates a third, and equal party in the relationship. Sadly, too many people have children who do not have the appropriate skills to be a parent, let alone a parent in an unhealthy marriage.

To Love Your Child, Be Honest With Them

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Communication, Ethics, genealogy, Generational, Honor, Lessons of Life, Mental Health, parenting, Pride, Relationships, Respect, Women

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affair, betrayal, biological father, Dad, deception, disappointment, father, honest, honesty, love, marriage, mom, mother, parents, sleeping monster

Children don’t have a choice. Parents are parents and they are human. The child-parent bond can be amazing, it can be non-existent, or it can be anything between. For those that desire a good relationship with her or his child, trust has to be the foundation. A child has to know that regardless of everything else, his or her parent is honest with them.

That is not always easy. There are times when it is harder to be honest with a son or daughter, especially when the truth reveals the human flaws of the parent. In those circumstances, avoidance of the truth may seem to be what is best; however, the risk is that the child will discover the truth and then everything about the relationship can be called into question.

My Lesson In Trust

A year ago I learned that my Dad was not my father. It is difficult, if not impossible, to absorb news like that all at once. After six decades of attachment to the family name of ‘Kiser,’ it took awhile to put the new information into a perspective. It did not radically change my life, but it did dismantle half of the foundation that my life was built upon.

After learning the truth I began to ask the questions that I had never considered. Did my Dad know? Did my real biologic Father know? Did my Mom know, or did she just wonder? Who else knew? My Mom, Dad, and biological Father have passed away, so I couldn’t get their version of the truth. I tried to imagine the various scenarios of what happened and how they would have played out.

Fortunately, there was a person still alive who knew what happened and he shared his account of the situation. It answered my questions and uncovered the trauma and resolution surrounding my birth. I learned that my father knew I was not his son while I was still in my mother’s womb. My mother probably realized who the father was as soon as she knew that she was pregnant.

The Hard Road

Despite the emotional trauma caused, everyone involved came to do what was best. It was best that the two families involved stayed intact. They did. It was best for me to be raised as a Kiser. I was. It was best that everyone moved forward without succumbing to the feelings of betrayal, anger, and pride. They did.

There was one lingering problem. My parents apparently made the decision to never tell me the truth. At the time that was probably a good decision, but put my parents and others in the role of keeping a major secret from me. That would have repercussions for decades.

The Sleeping Monster

A major secret is a sleeping monster. It lies waiting. To avoid disturbing the secret, people work her or his life around it desperately hoping it never wakes up. It creates terror and fear in those who know and makes fools out of those who don’t.

In addition to my parents, many people knew the truth about my parentage. How it affected their behavior towards me I will never know. I do know that after I left home I saw the relationship other people had with their parents and I realized that there was something different about my relationship with my parents.

For most of my early childhood, my Dad was gone during the week, living ‘on-the-job.’ My mother rarely was involved with me or my school activities. I decided that she probably was burnt out after raising three other boys. That explanation probably accurate, but now I know that my relationship with my parents was built around a secret. Now I know they were walking around the sleeping monster all of my life. Now that monster is awake and I have to deal with it without them.

If you love your children, be honest with them.

Stupid In Kentucky

04 Friday Sep 2015

Posted by Paul Kiser in Ethics, Government, Government Regulation, History, Honor, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Respect, US History

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anti-American, Conservatives, County Clerk, gay, gay marriage, GLBT, Jeff Darcy, Kentucky, Kim Davis, lesbian, marriage, marriage license, Rowan County, Supreme Court, US Constitution

Kim Davis cartoon

Cartoon by Jeff Darcy on Cleveland.com

Kim Davis, County Clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, is not a surprise. There are a lot of political offices out in America to be filled and it is not surprising that an ignorant, unqualified person is elected to office. It is not even surprising that the ignorant, unqualified person ran as a Democrat, considering how anti-American conservatives bully anyone who applies common sense and intelligence to politics.

What is surprising is the depth of stupidity exposed by those who think she is a hero. Our country was founded, in large part, to escape a government that imposed a single religion on its people. Thomas Paine, in arguing why the American colonies should form a government elected by its people, said this about religion:

For myself, I fully and conscientiously believe that it is the will of the Almighty that there should be a diversity of religious opinions among us. It affords a larger field for our Christian kindness; were we all of one way of thinking, our religious dispositions would want matter for probation…

Thomas Paine, Common Sense

Anyone with knowledge of our country history and Constitution knows that our government was established with the understanding that no one religion, nor set of religious practices should be imposed by our government. The very definition of who we are as Americans is defined by freedom FROM religion, not servants to a religion. Kim Davis’s claim that she, as County Clerk is allowed to deny marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples because her PERSONAL religious beliefs has no merit in the United States of America. Her actions are a disgrace to our country and Constitution.

That is why anti-Americans celebrate her and her actions. Those who seek to end our nation that is by the people, for the people, and of the people, want to destroy the foundation of our country. On June 28th, the Supreme Court reached the obvious conclusion that gay/lesbian marriage was protected by our Constitution, that was the end of the debate. Religions can’t impose their beliefs on anyone else. End of story.

The fact that it is over two months later and Rowan County, Kentucky is just now abiding by our Constitution and the law is a testament to the power of stupid people.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate stupid people. They are entertaining and YouTube couldn’t exist without them. But when stupid people interfere with the legal right of the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness of intelligent people we face a threat to who we are as citizens of the United States of America.

Kentucky should have never let Kim Davis become the hero for anti-Americans.

Other Pages of This Blog

  • About Paul Kiser
  • Common Core: Are You a Good Switch or a Bad Switch?
  • Familius Interruptus: Lessons of a DNA Shocker
  • Moffat County, Colorado: The Story of Two Families
  • Rules on Comments
  • Six Things The United States Must Do
  • Why We Are Here: A 65-Year Historical Perspective of the United States

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