3rd From Sol

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What About Marriage?

02 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Communication, Gender Issues, Generational, Health, Lessons of Life, Life, Marriage, Mental Health, parenting, Religion, Respect, United States, Women

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children, divorce, gay marriage, husband, LGBT, LGBTQ, love, marriage, parents, Relationships, spouse, widowed, wife

I’ve been married twice. Eight years the first time and I am nearing 25 years in the second marriage. I look back at my marriage experiences and I consider young adults and the decisions they have to make in relationships. The question is whether or not marriage worth it? I believe that like most important life decisions, there is no perfect answer.

[Author’s NOTE:  For the purpose of this discussion, marriage is defined as a lifelong, intimate, and exclusive commitment to another person regardless of the genders of the couple (female/male, male/male, or female/female) involved in the relationship. It includes couples who have not officially married but have mutually agreed to have an exclusive, cohabitating relationship. This discussion assumes a monogamous relationship and does NOT include other types of multiple spousal relationships such as polygamy, polygyny, polyandry, or polyamory.]

A Case For Marriage

Despite all the challenges to maintaining a relationship over time, marriage usually has a positive effect on both partners that cannot be achieved as a single individual. Maybe it is sharing the burden of life with someone else that makes our existence more rewarding. Maybe it is the stability of the relationship that smooths out the manic aspects of life.

Regardless, there is almost always a reward in having a significant, loving relationship that is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve by living alone. Marriage typically makes us more focused, more rational, and more emotionally stable.

For some couples, marriage becomes the center of their lives. Decisions are made jointly and other people see the couple as a single entity. All things are shared, even an email address.

For other couples, marriage is a symbiotic relationship that enriches each other’s experiences. Each person maintains a separate identity but time spent together is the oasis of their lives.

It is interesting to note that research indicates that married men live longer than men who remain single, divorced, or are widowed, although there are disputing studies that suggest single men that stay single also live longer. Men who lose their spouse have an increased risk of dying within a short period afterward. Note that this data is on heterosexual couples. Same-gender marriages are relatively new and there has not been enough time to study longevity issues associated with single-sex marriages.

A Case Against Marriage

Any relationship is complicated because it involves the hopes, desires, and preconceptions of two people. The idea that two people will have attitudes about marriage that perfectly coincide is absurd. People who decide to get married typically are willing to compromise on their preconceptions of marriage in exchange for the hope that over time a compromise will be reached and their relationship will become perfect.

While compromises in a relationship are usually made, eventually one or both reach a point where they realize that they compromised on things that are important to them. It is at this point the Dissatisfaction Syndrome begins.

Dissatisfiers

Many years ago I realized that decisions are driven by dissatisfaction. A person becomes dissatisfied with something and ultimately decides to make a change. This usually happens over time and consists of multiple ‘dissatisfiers.’

An example would be a person’s employment. Initially, a person may be excited about a new job, but over time the employee will experience dissatisfiers (reaching top of the pay scale, unreasonable demands, poor management decisions, disagreeable co-workers, etc.) and that person will begin considering looking for a new job. Eventually, a final event (dissatisfier) will motivate an employee to take action.

This happens in marriages. Dissatisfiers can operate in the background of any relationship and build over time. A tipping point is reached when the person realizes that the marriage is no longer sufficiently satisfying and a change must be made. 

The Growth Problem

Another problem in any relationship is the Growth Problem. Human development occurs over a lifespan. A healthy, well-adjusted person needs to engage in a continuous process of learning and adapting. The problem is that humans learn and adopt new attitudes and priorities at different rates and usually in different directions.

A person at 25 is completely different than they are at 40, so what happens when the person you’ve been with for 15 years is now a stranger?

The Worst Marriage:  Codependency

There is a worst-case scenario in marriage. It is when one or both partners are codependent on each other. In this situation, all the normal things that breakdown a relationship occur but one or both partners stay in the relationship because the can’t imagine living independently.

This results in the marriage becoming a black hole of despair, anger, and mistrust that destroys the mental and emotional health of both partners.

Children and Marriage

I believe that children substantially impact a marriage, but that children tend to magnify the state of the relationship. In the case of a healthy relationship, the net impact is to enhance and deepen the relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, the net impact increases the existing problems and issues.  

“Till Death Do You Part?”

The concept of marriage has radically changed over the last two centuries, along with the human lifespan. Most advanced countries accept that the ‘wife’ is no longer the property of the male. Additionally, divorce has become more accepted.

The idea that marriage is for life is not practical for most people despite that many religions still cling to 18th-century concepts of marriage. There are some couples that defy the odds and maintain a loving relationship until death but in many cases, a relationship can become destructive to the emotional and mental health of one or both partners after a period of time.

The Need For a Different Marriage Model

I don’t believe that anyone can predict or accurately assess a couple’s relationship and know whether or not it will last. There are too many variables.

Still, there are benefits to monogamous relationships and marriage creates a framework for a couple to be committed to each other. The problem is that in many relationships, a point of no return is reached that signals the end. What is needed is a new model of marriage that requires couples to have an ongoing assessment of their relationship (e.g.; counseling,) a measure of the quality of the relationship (e.g.; is it working or not) and, if needed, an acceptable transition out of the relationship that keeps both people whole.

What isn’t accounted for in this model are the children. A child should be a planned event, as much as possible, with the understanding that a child creates a third, and equal party in the relationship. Sadly, too many people have children who do not have the appropriate skills to be a parent, let alone a parent in an unhealthy marriage.

Sexuality and Teaching It

14 Sunday Jul 2019

Posted by Paul Kiser in Communication, Discrimination, Education, Gender Issues, Generational, Health, Lessons of Life, Life, Mental Health, parenting, Pride, Relationships, Religion, Respect, Women

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LGBT, sex, sex education, Sexuality

I believe that we have a problem with educating children about sexuality. We ask public schools to teach children about sex and instantly the lessons focus on the physicality and the dangers. Then religious groups leap into the discussion and demand that their mythical taboos be incorporated into the education. In the end, the programs become so mechanical and fear-inducing that even an adult would laugh at the result.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

My point of view about sexuality is probably off the norm. I don’t believe the function of sex to be about physicality, bonding, religious, or societal aspects of life. I believe sex is centrally about communication.

Bear with me.

In terms of understanding the meaning of the communication of a speaker or author, the lowest form of communication may be the written word. When I write an email, all aspects of vocal and physical clues of my communication are lost. Scholars in Speech Communication call it “impoverished communication.” It means that my words may fail to communicate my intent because the subtleties of my nonverbal cues cannot be conveyed in written form.

A phone conversation is an improvement over email because the other person can hear my intonation and rhythm of my words to understand my meaning. Still, a phone conversation lacks the nonverbal physical clues that help express what I’m trying to say.

Many scholars believe that face to face communication is the highest form of communication because the words and nonverbal cues offer a complete package of meaning that allows the listener to better understand the meaning of the person speaking.

Sex:  The Ultimate Communication

Despite the positive aspects of face to face communication, the meaning (or mind-to-mind transfer) of the speaker still may not be fully complete. There is a gap between what the person is thinking, and what the other person interprets from the words and nonverbal cues. 

I believe that the physicality of sex leads to the closest humans can come to mind-to-mind communication. Even ‘meaningless’ sex contains a significant communication between the two people that may be denied or discounted by one or both after the encounter but remains regardless.

Mentoring Sexual Communication

While there are differences in sexual encounters based on gender and there are health and procreation issues that must be understood, the unifying aspect of sexuality is communication and its impact on the individual.

A child needs to know that having a sexual relationship with someone will change their view of that person and of themselves. After a first sexual encounter, new aspects of their minds and bodies will be revealed and it likely will trigger a desire to experience that intense experience again.   

It doesn’t matter if it is a male/female, male/male, female/female, transgender, or any other type of sexual encounter, the communicative aspect of the sexual encounter will have the same impact. Just as friendship is bonded by discussions and sharing, sex creates a bond with another person that cannot be denied, nor ignored.

The Real Story of Sexuality

Some people seem to think that sex is something that is done after two people have achieved a milestone in their relationship (going steady, marriage, etc.,) but it is not a milestone. Sex is a conversation. I’m not trying to weigh in on the morality of affairs, or sex before marriage, but I do believe that when two people have a sexual encounter it is a sharing of minds that is not easily dismissed as insignificant.

If we could teach that to our children I think they might have a better idea of what they are getting into when they take that step into exploring their own sexuality.

Arizona ‘Religious Freedom’ Law Not About Religion

26 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Business, Ethics, Generational, Government, Honor, Opinion, Politics, Religion

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Arizona, Caucasian, gay, Governor Jan Brewer, House of Representatives, lesbian, LGBT, racism, racist, religion, religious freedom, SB 1062, Senate, Senators, white

Discussion about Arizona’s “Religious Freedom” law that passed the Senate and the House last week continues as speculation grows on whether or not Governor Jan Brewer will veto it, sign it, or fall asleep. Apparently Governor Brewer seems to be having difficulty understanding the two-page document and isn’t capable of reading it on the Internet.

The law (Arizona Senate Bill 1062) encourages businesses to discriminate against anyone who doesn’t meet their personal definition of ‘moral.’ The bill allows businesses to target at people who are in a single-sex relationship and refuse them service; however, the law is so badly written that a business could discriminate against anyone who doesn’t sign a petition against abortion.

Still, Senate Bill 1062 is not about religion. It is about race, namely white people.

Arizona is 57% Caucasian, 30% Hispanic, and 13% other races (2012 data.) Senate Bill 1062 was passed by a 57% margin (17-13) in the Senate and a 55% margin (33-27) in the House. In the Senate the vote was strictly on party lines. In the House, three Republicans voted against the bill.

What is interesting are the faces of those who voted for the legislation that encourages businesses to discriminate:

SENATE

Arizona Senators voting for SB 1062

Arizona Senators voting for SB 1062

HOUSE

Arizona House members voting for SB 1062

Arizona House members voting for SB 1062

If there seems to be a lack of color in those who voted for Senate Bill 1062, there is, and there is also a lack of Spanish surnames voting for the law. This pageant is almost exclusively brought to you by white conservatives who are screaming, “ATTENTION MUST BE PAID!”

Most people agree that Arizona doesn’t need this law. Business can already discriminate against single-sex couples and lesbians and gays have no legal recourse. This law is a childish gesture by white conservatives as a show of power. Governor Brewer ridiculous excuses of why she hasn’t made a decision on whether to sign the bill or not is her bottomless desire to take the spotlight. When she vetoes the bill, the old, white woman wants to wag her bony finger at everyone and proclaim, “You just watch out or we’ll do something even more stupid than this!”

And they probably will.

(UPDATE:  Approximately three hours after this article was published and publicized on Twitter under the hashtag #JanBrewer, Governor Brewer held a press conference and vetoed SB 1062.)

Other Pages of This Blog

  • About Paul Kiser
  • Common Core: Are You a Good Switch or a Bad Switch?
  • Familius Interruptus: Lessons of a DNA Shocker
  • Moffat County, Colorado: The Story of Two Families
  • Rules on Comments
  • Six Things The United States Must Do
  • Why We Are Here: A 65-Year Historical Perspective of the United States

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