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What About Marriage?

02 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by Paul Kiser in Aging, Communication, Gender Issues, Generational, Health, Lessons of Life, Life, Marriage, Mental Health, parenting, Religion, Respect, United States, Women

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children, divorce, gay marriage, husband, LGBT, LGBTQ, love, marriage, parents, Relationships, spouse, widowed, wife

I’ve been married twice. Eight years the first time and I am nearing 25 years in the second marriage. I look back at my marriage experiences and I consider young adults and the decisions they have to make in relationships. The question is whether or not marriage worth it? I believe that like most important life decisions, there is no perfect answer.

[Author’s NOTE:  For the purpose of this discussion, marriage is defined as a lifelong, intimate, and exclusive commitment to another person regardless of the genders of the couple (female/male, male/male, or female/female) involved in the relationship. It includes couples who have not officially married but have mutually agreed to have an exclusive, cohabitating relationship. This discussion assumes a monogamous relationship and does NOT include other types of multiple spousal relationships such as polygamy, polygyny, polyandry, or polyamory.]

A Case For Marriage

Despite all the challenges to maintaining a relationship over time, marriage usually has a positive effect on both partners that cannot be achieved as a single individual. Maybe it is sharing the burden of life with someone else that makes our existence more rewarding. Maybe it is the stability of the relationship that smooths out the manic aspects of life.

Regardless, there is almost always a reward in having a significant, loving relationship that is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve by living alone. Marriage typically makes us more focused, more rational, and more emotionally stable.

For some couples, marriage becomes the center of their lives. Decisions are made jointly and other people see the couple as a single entity. All things are shared, even an email address.

For other couples, marriage is a symbiotic relationship that enriches each other’s experiences. Each person maintains a separate identity but time spent together is the oasis of their lives.

It is interesting to note that research indicates that married men live longer than men who remain single, divorced, or are widowed, although there are disputing studies that suggest single men that stay single also live longer. Men who lose their spouse have an increased risk of dying within a short period afterward. Note that this data is on heterosexual couples. Same-gender marriages are relatively new and there has not been enough time to study longevity issues associated with single-sex marriages.

A Case Against Marriage

Any relationship is complicated because it involves the hopes, desires, and preconceptions of two people. The idea that two people will have attitudes about marriage that perfectly coincide is absurd. People who decide to get married typically are willing to compromise on their preconceptions of marriage in exchange for the hope that over time a compromise will be reached and their relationship will become perfect.

While compromises in a relationship are usually made, eventually one or both reach a point where they realize that they compromised on things that are important to them. It is at this point the Dissatisfaction Syndrome begins.

Dissatisfiers

Many years ago I realized that decisions are driven by dissatisfaction. A person becomes dissatisfied with something and ultimately decides to make a change. This usually happens over time and consists of multiple ‘dissatisfiers.’

An example would be a person’s employment. Initially, a person may be excited about a new job, but over time the employee will experience dissatisfiers (reaching top of the pay scale, unreasonable demands, poor management decisions, disagreeable co-workers, etc.) and that person will begin considering looking for a new job. Eventually, a final event (dissatisfier) will motivate an employee to take action.

This happens in marriages. Dissatisfiers can operate in the background of any relationship and build over time. A tipping point is reached when the person realizes that the marriage is no longer sufficiently satisfying and a change must be made. 

The Growth Problem

Another problem in any relationship is the Growth Problem. Human development occurs over a lifespan. A healthy, well-adjusted person needs to engage in a continuous process of learning and adapting. The problem is that humans learn and adopt new attitudes and priorities at different rates and usually in different directions.

A person at 25 is completely different than they are at 40, so what happens when the person you’ve been with for 15 years is now a stranger?

The Worst Marriage:  Codependency

There is a worst-case scenario in marriage. It is when one or both partners are codependent on each other. In this situation, all the normal things that breakdown a relationship occur but one or both partners stay in the relationship because the can’t imagine living independently.

This results in the marriage becoming a black hole of despair, anger, and mistrust that destroys the mental and emotional health of both partners.

Children and Marriage

I believe that children substantially impact a marriage, but that children tend to magnify the state of the relationship. In the case of a healthy relationship, the net impact is to enhance and deepen the relationship. In an unhealthy relationship, the net impact increases the existing problems and issues.  

“Till Death Do You Part?”

The concept of marriage has radically changed over the last two centuries, along with the human lifespan. Most advanced countries accept that the ‘wife’ is no longer the property of the male. Additionally, divorce has become more accepted.

The idea that marriage is for life is not practical for most people despite that many religions still cling to 18th-century concepts of marriage. There are some couples that defy the odds and maintain a loving relationship until death but in many cases, a relationship can become destructive to the emotional and mental health of one or both partners after a period of time.

The Need For a Different Marriage Model

I don’t believe that anyone can predict or accurately assess a couple’s relationship and know whether or not it will last. There are too many variables.

Still, there are benefits to monogamous relationships and marriage creates a framework for a couple to be committed to each other. The problem is that in many relationships, a point of no return is reached that signals the end. What is needed is a new model of marriage that requires couples to have an ongoing assessment of their relationship (e.g.; counseling,) a measure of the quality of the relationship (e.g.; is it working or not) and, if needed, an acceptable transition out of the relationship that keeps both people whole.

What isn’t accounted for in this model are the children. A child should be a planned event, as much as possible, with the understanding that a child creates a third, and equal party in the relationship. Sadly, too many people have children who do not have the appropriate skills to be a parent, let alone a parent in an unhealthy marriage.

Stupid In Kentucky

04 Friday Sep 2015

Posted by Paul Kiser in Ethics, Government, Government Regulation, History, Honor, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Respect, US History

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anti-American, Conservatives, County Clerk, gay, gay marriage, GLBT, Jeff Darcy, Kentucky, Kim Davis, lesbian, marriage, marriage license, Rowan County, Supreme Court, US Constitution

Kim Davis cartoon

Cartoon by Jeff Darcy on Cleveland.com

Kim Davis, County Clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, is not a surprise. There are a lot of political offices out in America to be filled and it is not surprising that an ignorant, unqualified person is elected to office. It is not even surprising that the ignorant, unqualified person ran as a Democrat, considering how anti-American conservatives bully anyone who applies common sense and intelligence to politics.

What is surprising is the depth of stupidity exposed by those who think she is a hero. Our country was founded, in large part, to escape a government that imposed a single religion on its people. Thomas Paine, in arguing why the American colonies should form a government elected by its people, said this about religion:

For myself, I fully and conscientiously believe that it is the will of the Almighty that there should be a diversity of religious opinions among us. It affords a larger field for our Christian kindness; were we all of one way of thinking, our religious dispositions would want matter for probation…

Thomas Paine, Common Sense

Anyone with knowledge of our country history and Constitution knows that our government was established with the understanding that no one religion, nor set of religious practices should be imposed by our government. The very definition of who we are as Americans is defined by freedom FROM religion, not servants to a religion. Kim Davis’s claim that she, as County Clerk is allowed to deny marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples because her PERSONAL religious beliefs has no merit in the United States of America. Her actions are a disgrace to our country and Constitution.

That is why anti-Americans celebrate her and her actions. Those who seek to end our nation that is by the people, for the people, and of the people, want to destroy the foundation of our country. On June 28th, the Supreme Court reached the obvious conclusion that gay/lesbian marriage was protected by our Constitution, that was the end of the debate. Religions can’t impose their beliefs on anyone else. End of story.

The fact that it is over two months later and Rowan County, Kentucky is just now abiding by our Constitution and the law is a testament to the power of stupid people.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate stupid people. They are entertaining and YouTube couldn’t exist without them. But when stupid people interfere with the legal right of the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness of intelligent people we face a threat to who we are as citizens of the United States of America.

Kentucky should have never let Kim Davis become the hero for anti-Americans.

Gay Marriage Legitimizes Marriage

26 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by Paul Kiser in Ethics, Government, Government Regulation, History, Honor, Politics, Pride, Relationships, Religion, Respect, US History, Women

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gay marriage, homosexual, human rights, law, LBGT, Supreme Court

gay_marriage_81102178Today’s Supreme Court ruling acknowledges that the United States of America is legitimizing marriage, and it is about time.

Historically, marriage was created to establish a legal bond or contract of property ownership. Sometimes the property was just the woman, but typically marriage included the transfer of land, animals, money, or other material items. A woman was not a party in the contract, but the subject of the contract, meaning she was irrelevant in taking part of the terms of the contract.  The woman’s opinion or love was not needed, nor wanted in most marriages.

As a society we have moved away from the marriage-as-a-contract concept; however, even today we still have men and women in the United States who cling to the misogynistic idea that a woman is property to serve and bear a man children. These men and their Stepford spouses cite the historical aspect of marriage as the justification for demeaning a human being (or allowing themselves to be demeaned.) 

Gay marriage has only one purpose, the expression of love between two people. There is no property exchange and no issue of who is the master and who is subservient, (unless both parties agree to a 50 Shades of Gay-type relationship.) You can’t attach outdated expectations of a gender-based owner/property understanding to a marriage between two people who are of the same gender.

Perhaps now heterosexuals shed the mantle of the woman as property and confirm marriage a legitimate expression of love.

2012: The Year That Didn’t

29 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Paul Kiser in Crisis Management, Government, History, Opinion, Politics, Pride, Space

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2012, Affordable Care Act, Apocalypse, Climate change, Curiosity, December 21, Doomsday, Facebook, gay marriage, Global warming, Greece, London, Mars, Mars Rover, Mars Science Lab, Mitt Romney, Recession, Summer Olympic Games

Game over, man, game over...oh, wait, uhm, false alarm.

Game over, man, game over…oh, wait, false alarm.

A lot of things were supposed to happen in 2012, but they didn’t. Here are a selected few of the ‘didn’ts from this past year:

  • The Apocalypse didn’t happen on December 21, or any other day this year, nor the cataclysmic asteroid, the massive solar flares from the Sun, nor the shift of the magnetic poles. All part of the end of the world scenarios planned for this year that didn’t materialize.
  • 2012 will also be known for what Congress didn’t accomplish. It was labeled the ‘Do Nothing’ Congress for the obstructionist attitude of conservatives who sought to keep President Obama and Democrats from governing the country. 
  • Facebook was going to be the stock to own and once on the market the sky would be the limit on its per share price. Somebody forgot to tell the grumpy old white investors that the thing they love to hate was supposed to go big.

    The face that didn't.

    The face that didn’t.

  • President Barack Obama was supposed to be humiliated in a landslide loss to Mitt Romney. He wasn’t humiliated and he didn’t lose.
  • Romney also predicted that London’s security wasn’t ready for the Summer Olympic Games. They were and Romney publicly embarrassed himself and the United States.
  • Greece was supposed to have a major economic disaster and bring down the rest of Europe. It didn’t, but many still have high hopes it will collapse in 2013.
  • The Arab Spring of 2011 was supposed to lead to more democratic countries without dictators. Somebody forgot to tell Egypt.
  • Outlawing gay marriage was supposed to be part of many States final solution in destroying gays and lesbians. It turns out America isn’t that hateful, nor that stupid.
  • The Supreme Court was going to rule the Affordable Care Act as unconstitutional. They didn’t.
  • Climate change skeptics were financing studies to prove that Global Warming is a hoax. They didn’t and it isn’t.
  • The landing of the NASA/JPL’s mission to Mars was going to be too complex to succeed and result in a spectacular U.S. failure. The MSL (Mars Science Lab) rover team delivered on all their promises and Curiosity is going places no other country can hope to match for years.
  • Massive protests by the Occupy movement were going to lead to riots and a general societal breakdown. It didn’t happen, but the Occupy movement was heard at the ballot box in November.
  • America’s economy and unemployment were going to reverse and fall back into a recession in 2012. Our economy and unemployment continue to defy the skeptics.

Gloom and doom was the expectation by many during this past year. As bad as 2012 was supposed to be, let’s hope that 2013 will restore a more positive attitude in our nation….right after we fall off the fiscal cliff.

Conservatives Weaponize Religion, Worship Wealth

02 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Paul Kiser in Politics, Religion, Taxes

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

abortion rights, Conservatives, Dean Heller, gay marriage, Iowa, Republicans, Rick Perry, S.1931, tax breaks, The Family Leader, wealthy

First Conservative Church of America?

In the past two weeks Conservatives dropped any pretense about their goal of creating new laws that will be used as weapons anyone who violates their version of religion. At the same time Conservatives in Congress also continued to elevate the millionaires and billionaires to demigod status.

Few would deny that Evangelical Christians control most if not all religious conversations among Conservatives, but that was even more apparent on the Saturday before Thanksgiving when the Iowa-based, ultra-Conservative religious group, The Family Leader, hosted a round-table discussion with six of the most prominent Republican Presidential candidates. Prior to the start of the two-hour event, organizers spent 45 minutes outlining their plan for national domination by controlling who will be elected to a political office.

Groups like The Family Leader, Focus on the Family, and The Truth Project hope to create a “worldview” in the United States that uses local, state, and federal laws as their weapons to enforce their mythological beliefs on all citizens. It was hard to argue with their ability to control Conservative politics with six Republican candidates at their beck and call.

Paul Kiser

Conservatives have worked to pass laws that denied equal rights to Gay Americans, created impossible building codes for women’s health clinics that honored a woman’s freewill, and define birth control as murder. The Iowa event made it clear that Republican Presidential candidates have nothing but praise and support to groups who seek to replace fair government with interpretive mythology.

After the event, Conservative Presidential candidate Rick Perry joined Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum in signing The Family Leader’s Pledge to Marriage. The vow that implies that being Gay is a learned behavior (presumably that can be deprogrammed,) that African-Americans were better parents when they were slaves, and demands the candidate commit to 14 points, including an Amendment to the United States Constitution that forbids legal Gay marriage, and a rejection of Sharia Islam law.

Conservative's Deity: Wealth

In the same week Conservatives offered the economy of the United States as a sacrifice to the richest Americans by rejecting any plan to secure America’s future that would include a restoration of tax revenue from those who owe the most to this country for their wealth. Despite Conservative attempts to spin it as the fault of the Democrats, the simple fact is that there was only one issue that kept Congress from creating a solution to America’s current and future debt issue and that is imposing fair taxes on those with incomes over $1 million a year.

This week appointed Senator Dean Heller from Nevada joined in the worship of the rich by authoring Senate Bill 1931 (S.1931) which proposes legislation to temporarily extend tax cuts for middle and lower incomes by taking jobs and money from some of the very people the temporary tax cuts are supposed to benefit. Heller, a former Bank of America consultant and stockbroker who, according to the Las Vegas Sun, is worth between $2.5 and $11 million, offered the new law in order to shelter the wealthy, including himself, from the Democrats proposal that would re-establish some of the tax revenue that was cut during the Bush administration.

As an apparent joke to the wealthy and an insult to those who are not, Heller included provisions in the bill that millionaires; 1) could, if they felt like it, donate money to the United States Treasury to lower America’s debt, 2) would not be able to collect unemployment nor food stamps (we allow millionaires to collect unemployment and food stamps now?), and 3) make them pay more for Medicare, assuming they can’t afford private health insurance. All three provisions are symbolic gestures that pale in comparison to the jobs and wages lost by the rest of Senate Bill 1931.

Conservatives point to the Bible as their rationale for everything they do. The Bible says,

“Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 19:24

It seems Conservatives like Senator Dean Heller, who scored a perfect 100% favorable rating from the Christian Coalition of America, are unconcerned about what the Bible says.

A version of this article first published as
Conservatives Weaponize Religion, Worship Wealthy

on Technorati.com

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