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BREAKING NEWS — Washington, D.C. April 1, 2014

House Speaker John Boehner was hospitalized early today. His condition is considered stable and he expected to make a full recovery.

When asked about the nature of the illness, an aide that requested to not be identified stated that he was suffering from constipation. The source stated, “We asked the doctors about the prognosis and they said it looks good, but right now nothing is moving.”

An update on Speaker Boehner’s condition is scheduled for 5:00 PM.