Monthly Archives: April 2013

Nugent Attempts to Assassinate Obama, Gets Wrong City, Shoots Self

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Crime, Fiction, Government Regulation, Opinion, Politics, Universities

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Ted Nugent: America's Epic Fail

Ted Nugent: America’s Epic Failure

Miami, Florida – April 1, 2013

Last April the 64 year-old rock musician Ted Nugent said that if President Barack Obama was re-elected:

“…I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Ted Nugent

It was the latter and he still had two weeks to spare. On April 15, 2012, Nugent made the comment at the National Rifle Association (NRA) convention in St. Louis, Missouri. He was there to support Mitt Romney for President.

Nugent was arrested in Miami, Florida for attempting to assassinate the President; however, it may be hard for the prosecution to make a case against him since he was almost a 1000 miles away from the Commander-in-Chief. The President was scheduled to speak on the campus of the Miami University in Oxford, Ohio; however, Nugent went to the University of Miami in Miami, Florida.

Nugent apparently became enraged when he could not find President Obama and began waving a gun over his head yelling:

“WHERE IS HE! WHERE IS HE! I’LL KILL HIM! I’ll KILL HIM!”

Within minutes several campus police officers arrived and ordered Nugent to drop his weapon. Nugent apparently calmed down and began to tuck the gun under his belt at which point it discharged, wounding himself in the leg. He then yelled:

“You SHOT Me! You SHOT Me!”

The campus police then moved in, took Nugent’s gun and arrested him. It was several hours later that Nugent learned the police had not fired and that he shot himself. He is expected to make a full recovery, but doctors say that he may walk with a limp. When asked if the wound would affect his ability to play and sing, the hospital representative said:

“They’re doctors, not miracle workers.”

A spokesperson for the Secret Service was asked if they would be involved with the case and she said:

“The Secret Service focuses on credible threats, but somebody will probably have to go down to Miami anyway.”

Nugent will be arraigned in Miami on Monday.

Doomsday Now 2014, Not 2012

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Religion, Space

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Oakland, California – April 1, 2013

Family Radio (a.k.a; Family Stations, Inc.) headquartered in Oakland, California has announced that the end of the world has been rescheduled for February 21, 2014. They base their prediction on scripture and on an alignment of planets that will occur on that date. Family Radio and its former CEO, Harold Camping, have previously predicted the end of the world to occur on September 1994, March 1995, May 21, 2011, and October 21,  2011.

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

According to Family Radio, the Earth will be pulled apart because Mercury, Venus, and Mars will all be in a line and Jupiter and Saturn will be on opposite side of Earth. A spokesperson for Family Radio said:

“We knew the end of the world would not be in 2012. This is what happens when you listen to amateurs and godless heathens.”

When asked about how they determined this date to be the end of the world, the spokesperson said:

“The Mayans essentially were correct, but they made an error when they converted to the metric system.”

It was explained that the prediction of December 21, 2012 placed a one in the place of a zero (12 becomes 02) for the month, and that led to the year being off by two, so instead of 12.21.2012 it should have been 02.21.2014. When asked how the metric system applied to the date, the spokesperson replied:

“It’s too complicated for the lay person to understand. Trust us, we’ve been doing this for a long time.”

GPS for the Homeless

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Passionate People, Respect, Technology

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Dallas, Texas – April 1, 2013

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: GPS

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: A GPS device

Nancy Brinker, former Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure CEO, has a new cause. She is the driving force behind a new non-profit called, GPS 4 Homeless. The project is collecting old Global Positioning System (GPS) devices and giving them to the homeless.

In a news conference held this morning Brinker explained:

“The homeless are just people who are lost and need direction. That is exactly what a GPS device does and if homeless people could afford a GPS device they would no longer be lost! I don’t know why nobody has thought of this before!”

A spokesperson for GPS 4 Homeless added:

“When one of our people upgrade to a newer model they put the old one in a drawer. Now it can be put to good use for those people.”

When asked what they meant by ‘our people,’ the spokesperson responded, “You know, us.” Asked if they meant wealthy white people, the spokesperson replied, “Who else would I be talking about?”

Brinker added:

“This is one cause that has no political division. Everybody wants to help the homeless and that’s what we’re doing.”

GPS 4 Homeless is currently only in Texas, but their plan is to expand into Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Mississippi by 2014.

Chinese Men Givien iPads to Control Birthrate

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Generational, Government, Government Regulation, Health, Information Technology, Internet, Politics, Recreation, Relationships, Social Media Relations, Women

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April 1, 2013 – Beijing, China

iPad in China: Better than sex?

iPad in China: Better than sex?

It was revealed today that the Chinese government struck a deal with Apple to purchase significant quantities of iPads as part of a program to control the birthrate. Unofficial Chinese sources say that they have found that a male with an iPad spends 48% less time engaged in relationship-related activity including coitus.

“The iPad is the ultimate lover as it offers constant attention and requires very little in return,” according to one government source. China expects to reduce the birthrate by 25% or more through the alternative-stimulus program. 

Apple had no public comment on the use of iPads to inhibit sexual intercourse; however, privately a reliable source did say that since iPad was launched in April 2010, the city of Cupertino, California, where Apple is headquartered, has seen no growth in population.

No one offered a direct cause for why the iPad might have an affect in inhibiting sexual activity, but one woman we asked said, “Are you just stupid, or what?”

Apple says it doesn’t expect any shortages of iPads despite the massive purchase; however, they don’t know when any more iPad will be delivered to the United States.

Queen Elizabeth II Abdicates, Five Heirs Refuse Throne

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Aging, April Fools Day, Fiction, Generational, Politics

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London, England – April 1, 2013

Princess Eugenie to become Queenie Eugenie?

Queenie Eugenie?

Citing the Pope as her inspiration, Queen Elizabeth II shocked the world when it was announced that she would abdicate her throne in order to enjoy her golden years as commoner. Buckingham Palace announced the news and added that Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Harry, Prince Andrew, and Princess Beatrice all declined to succeed the Queen, leaving Princess Eugenie as the next in line for the throne.

None of the Royal family has spoken publicly about the sudden upheaval; however, sources have stated that Princess Eugenie is quoted to have said, “Hell yes!” when asked if she would consider taking the throne. Royal sources said that the immediate family are requiring that she be fully briefed on the responsibilities she would be assuming if she becomes Queen before her answer is accepted.

Prince Charles apparently politely declined when approached by the Queen, and Prince William is reported to have cited the wish to focus on their new child, rather than assume the throne. Prince Harry is said to have been less graceful in his refusal when he said “Bite me, I’m not that stupid!” No reason was offered on or off the record for Princess Beatrice reason to decline the throne.

Queen Elizabeth II, the second longest reigning monarch, was thought to have a chance to surpass Queen Victoria and become the longest reigning monarch; however, she will apparently fall about two and a half years short of that mark.

If Princess Eugenie, who just turned 23, becomes England’s next Queen, she will be younger that Elizabeth II, who was 25 when she became Queen.

The coronation could be held as soon as this summer or fall depending on how quickly a final decision is reached. 

Boehner, GOP Pass Funding Scheme For Privatized Death Star

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in April Fools Day, Fiction, Government, Opinion, Politics

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Washington, D.C. – April 1, 2013  

Republicans in Congress managed to slip a little noticed addendum to the budget bill that provides a funding scheme for a Star Wars-like Death Star to be operated and run by private interests. The language of the addendum would void the entire budget bill if removed and authorizes the funding plan if Congress fails to pass or kill the budget bill on it by April 4, 2013. The authors of the measure have created legislation where no action is required to fund the Death Star. House Speaker Boehner (Ohio-R) said:

“We are very comfortable with legislation that requires no action. It’s what we’ve been doing for years and we’re getting very good at it.” (Rep. Boehner)

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine out the luxury condos and living envioronment

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine the luxury condos and living environment out of existing rock

Boehner added that this a budget neutral bill as the initial government funding for the project is a loan that will be repaid by a private consortium over the term of the loan. Unnamed sources have confirmed the term of the loan to be 10,000 years. Representative and former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said,

“This is a win-win-win project. It provides hundreds of thousands of new jobs over the next 100 years, it will put America’s back in space again, and it is the mother of all defense programs.” (Rep. Ryan)

When asked about a rumored plan to use prisoners from thousands of American jails as cheap and expendable labor, Ryan replied, “Another win-win! We’ll decrease the prison population and lower construction expenses.”

President Obama was asked about the Death Star project at his press conference today to encourage consideration of discussion regarding of forming a committee to address global warming. The President said:

“You know, back in December we killed this idea and gave good reasons why it should be killed, which is probably why the Republicans ran with it.” (President Obama) 

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) chided the press for overstating the military function of the massive artificial satellite. McConnell said:

“Once again the liberal press has labeled this great project to re…re…uhm…what’s the word…reflect, that’s it! Uhm…what was I saying?” (Senator McConnell)

Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) then added:

“I believe that what Senator McConnell is trying to saying is that by referring to it as the ‘Death Star’ the liberal press has given a sinister impression of the purpose of this project. Most of this project will be dedicated to luxury condos for those who wish to use Earth’s Second Moon as their primary or secondary residence.” (Senator McCain)

It was reported by some unnamed sources, one of which was former Vice President Dick Cheney, that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the President and CEO for the consortium building the artificial satellite. When questions were raised about someone of such advanced age running a 100-year project, Rep. Boehner said:

“We have that covered. We have identified five donors with the correct blood type and tissue match to keep the former Vice President healthy and active for at least the next twenty-five years. After that, we will have five more ready to go.” (Rep. Boehner)

When asked if the media would be allowed to interview the donors Boehner said:

“Oh they don’t know they are donors yet. This is a Homeland Security issue and they’ll know when they need to know.” (Rep. Boehner)

The six organizations will take the lead in the design, construction, operation, ownership of the project were identified are: Exxon, Koch Industries, KBR (the former subsidiary of Halliburton,) The Las Vegas Sands Corporation, the National Rifle Association (NRA), and Papa Johns Pizza.

Cheney said:

“These organizations are a perfect fit to carry out the construction and operation of this project. We have all our bases covered.” (Former VP Cheney)

When asked if the project will have a science component like the International Space Station, Paul Ryan answered:

“It will have a science component, but the science will be limited to the confirmation of the existence of God and how He create our universe. We’re not going to waste millions of dollars chasing after scientific hokum.” (Rep. Ryan)

Representative Steven King (R-Iowa) clarified:

“I think it’s important to understand the primary purpose of the Second Moon project. This is a place for certain people to escape Earth’s bounds and celebrate their success. It’s not the type of place that President Obama’s daughters will go for spring break.”

The project is tentatively scheduled for completion by the 2nd Quarter of 2110.