Romney Adds Insult to Stupidity

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Mitt Romney

It’s Romney’s nature to be insulting, but couldn’t he just get a radio talk show so we wouldn’t notice him?

In 2012, Mitt Romney embarrassed himself and our country when he was asked about Security at the 2012 London Summer Olympic games. He could have said:

I’m not part of the security planning for the games this year, so I can’t answer that, but I those people involved in planning security for the games know what is at stake and I’m sure they will do everything possible to anticipate and address any security threats to the safety of the London Olympic games.

Or he could have just said:

I’m not part of the organizational committee this year, so I can’t answer that question.

Instead he said that he saw:

...a few things that were disconcerting……The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, supposed strike of immigration and customs officials, that obviously is not something which is encouraging.

He insulted Great Britain, the International Olympic Committee, the London Summer Olympic games, and cast doubt on the safety for everyone attending the London games. In the end, the London Summer Olympic games went without any security issues and Mitt Romney lost the election.

Fast forward to 2014. The Sochi Winter Olympic games have been overshadowed by fears of terrorist attacks as the games are being held near areas of recent bombings. In addition, the Sochi games have been notable in making Russian President Vladimir Putin’s friends rich and the games have been labeled as the most corrupt in history.

So what is business-oriented Mitt Romney’s response when he is asked about security at the Winter games. He could have said any number of things that would have made up for his past insult and avoided placing him in a position of judgement on Russia or Great Britain, but this is Mitt Romney, so he said:

I believe the Games will be safe…

SLAP! Without mentioning that he was wrong in 2012, he implies that the Russians know what they are doing and the British didn’t. Romney insults Great Britain again and suggests that he knows something he really doesn’t. He then says that he would be comfortable sending his family to the Sochi games. London was risky, but Sochi could be a family vacation? Ouch.

Great Britain, I sincerely apologize for Mitt Romney. But to be fair, you’ve had your share of badly behaved Royals. We are trying to make up for it with stupid rich people. I think we’re winning.

Starbucks Menu Makeover Launches in Reno

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Following the successful introduction of San Francisco’s La Boulange pastries in other cities, the Reno-area Starbucks will introduce the new menu on Tuesday, January 28, 2014.

The upper pastry case is where the most visible changes will occur

The upper pastry case is where the most visible changes will occur  (Starbucks at 7th & Keystone in Reno, NV, USA)

The food items are a continuation of Starbucks effort to expand its product offerings beyond coffee and tea beverages. Many of the pastries currently offered can still be found, although some have been transformed into mini-loaves (A.K.A. Loaf Cakes) rather than slices of large loaves.

The introduction of Savory Squares combines the lightness of a pastry around a omelet-type center (Ham & Cheese, Tomato & Cheese, and Wheat Spinach.) Starbucks will continue to offer the Breakfast Sandwiches, oatmeal, and items found below the pastry case, but this partnership with La Boulange will take the next step in offering specialty food to compliment its speciality beverages.

For more information on the new menu, click here to visit the Starbucks website.

(This article was not solicited, nor was any compensation offered in payment for it.)

Early 2014 PR Fails: Target and Christie

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Self-inflicted Wounds?

Self-inflicted Wounds?

Only 13 days in 2014 and Target and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie share the spotlight for worst public image of the new year.

Target credit information theft just keeps getting worse. We learned last week that data was stolen for 70 million Target customers, not 40 million as belatedly reported earlier this month. Target is averaging over one sales-killing announcement a week so far this year and each new announcement makes the crisis worse. There are people who say Target will survive, but if someone were going to attempt to kill a leading corporate retail organization, this would be the way to do it.

It’s not like Target has no competition. Making customers worry of whether their credit data is safe when they shop is not a unique experience desired by any retail store.  Add the but-wait-it-gets-worse element and sales are bound to sink.

Target will likely continue to minimize the crisis, which will only increase the distrust of the brand. The PR strategy they are following is going to dig them into a deeper grave.

Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie is dropping his own PR boob bombs. After claiming that a traffic tie up at the George Washington Bridge was part of a legitimate traffic study, he then was forced to confront emails that clearly indicated his top aides were involved in Nixon-era tactics aimed at some type of petty revenge act.

Governor Christie's apology missed the mark

Governor Christie’s apology missed the mark

The issue is not whether or not Governor Christie knew that his senior staff were behaving like chimpanzees throwing their poop at people in the zoo, the issue is Christie is either 1) incompetent for surrounding himself with idiots, and/or, 2) incompetent for not knowing what was going on, or, 3) aware of everything and is lying about it. 

The big PR factors in both crises are the lack of humility and accepting responsibility. Instead of minimizing the crisis, Target should have been ahead of the crisis. Not only should they be providing the most accurate and honest information, they should have been apologizing to their customers, assisting them, and offering to make things right for any customer who is affected by the loss of their credit data. This is an issue of long-term survivability, not revenue projections for the current quarter.

As for Governor Christie, that ship has sailed. He had a chance to accept responsibility and resign. His, the-buck-stops-here-but-I’m-blaming-everyone-else strategy only proved that he has dignity of Lance Armstrong. He could have admitted his mistakes, stepped back, and then worked to rebuild his reputation, but he instead he revealed how low he can go.

Public image is everything, and it does not suffer fools gladly.

Hey Stupid, Privacy is Dead and Your Face is the Reason

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Facial recognition software is the final nail in Internet privacy

Facial recognition software is the final nail in Internet privacy

Go ahead, just try to protect your privacy. Give up Facebook. Scoff at Twitter. Swear you’re going to never sign on the computer again. It is all useless.

Stick a fork in privacy on the Internet. There no such thing as privacy on the Internet, nor is there privacy off the Internet.

A girl decides to check up on her boyfriend. She happens to be an attorney in Ohio and has access to the State’s facial recognition software. She uses it to snoop on her boyfriend and other people her friends were dating. This was in 2008. Five years ago and she was using (well, misusing) facial recognition software that was meant for finding criminals.

It doesn’t matter whether you take the picture or post it. It doesn’t even matter if you knew you were in the picture. New Years Eve? Good luck in keeping your face out of every picture that people around you take. If your face shows up in a posted picture, it can be found and matched. 

Not only law enforcement is using facial recognition software. Casinos are using it. Some suggest that Disney is using it in their parks. Retailers are using it. Your significant other can buy it and download it today. If you want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, watch this TED Talk on facial recognition software.

Anthony Weiner: Too bad it wasn't his face that got him in trouble

Anthony Weiner: Too bad it wasn’t his face that got him in trouble

There is no such thing as privacy. One more time. There is no such thing as privacy.

THE ANSWER
Behave. That’s it. Or at least know that if you don’t behave everyone will find out and it will be at the worst possible moment for you. People learn how to behave when they go out in public. The Internet is public. There is no difference.

Epilogue of Planet Epsilon (science fiction)

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

24 December 2038 – Chōfu, Tokyo, Nippon Unified Aerospace Agency (NUAA)

Orbits of 6 worlds nearest Sol

Orbits of 6 worlds nearest Sol and debris from the Epsilon explosion (Data recovered from alien ship) 

At today’s 9:00 AM press conference we announced the discovery of an alien craft found in orbit around our Sun. The orbital path of the craft was almost thirty degrees off the orbital plane of the solar system and was between Venus and Mercury at perihelion and extended out to near Jupiter’s orbit at aphelion. The long-deceased occupants of the ship were apparently from within our solar system on a planet they called Epsilon.

As mentioned this morning, we are releasing the text of the most significant alien messages or logs that we recovered on a hand device inside the craft. From what we can determine from the ship’s records so far is that Epsilon, located between Mars and Jupiter, exploded about 66 million years ago. The Epsilonian language is apparently the root language of English as the symbols and sounds are almost identical to English.

The aliens were human in body type. Several of the occupants of the ship were found in a compartment that preserved their bodies. We believed these aliens died after their craft was damaged and the crew put them in an area of the ship without heat or air to keep them from decomposing. DNA testing has proven that we are related these aliens, although probably not directly to the occupants of the ship.

According to what we have learned from their records so far, this ship was one of seven that attempted to reach Earth (named Gamma in Epsilonian) from Mars (named Delta in Epsilonian) after Epsilon exploded. Remnants of the planet still exist in what we have come to know as the Asteroid Belt; however, most of the planet was scattered throughout our solar system and some larger fragments impacted on the other planets including Earth. The descendants of the aliens that landed on Earth must have survived for millions of years in small pockets until humans began to become dominant in the past 100,000 years.  This ship was apparently the only one that did not make it to Earth.

Image of Epsilon before it exploded. Recovered from the alien database.

Image of Epsilon before it exploded. Recovered from the alien database.

Below is the original text from the most significant messages we have recovered so far. 

Message 10884.11.75.06.41.12.52 From Epsilon Crew Member
Wee faild. Wee tride, wee tride agane, wee tride more, and wee still faild.

Tu ue hoo reed this, I noe ue kant understand ar sarow. Pleese, here me. Fore ar brothers and sisters mae bee, likelee ar, yore fathers and mothers. If ue kan reed this then it is sertan ue ra, fore yore words kame from ar words.

Wee wer from Epsilon, tha 5th world from Sol, but wee livd in ae kalonee on Delta, tha 4th world. Now bothe worlds ar lost and all hope lies on Gamma, tha 3rd world.

Let mee restart. Epsilon was tha sorse of life in tha Sol sistim. Ar world was bigger than Gamma and Baeta (tha 2nd world,) and much bigger than Dellta. All 4 worlds had firm ground and ae laer of gas, but Baeta, like Alpha (the 1st world) had noe likguid. Gamma, Dellta, and Epsilon had likguid, but Epsilon producd life and evold 1st.

Epsilon was home but wee wantd tu xplore, soe wee lernd tu sore beetwene worlds. Dellta and Gamma had life, but not wise life. Ar peepel desided to kalonee on Dellta 1st.

Wee had livd on Dellta fore almoest 50 orbits and preeparing tu kalonee on Gamma  when disaster struk Epsilon. Ae flash that lit up ar erly morning skie on Dellta then faded. Epsilon was gon. Wee beeleve it was natural. Epsilon had plenteeful unstabil ellamints in tha krust. If those ellamints xtended into tha likguid rok beeloe, thae it koud hav gatherd tu ae kritikal mass and xploded with such forse tu destroy ar home world.

Ae grupe of sieintists had warnd that Epsilon mite….. (text was not recoverable)

Message 10884.11.75.06.41.15.04
Delltas orbit put it in tha Epsilon deebree flung toward Sol. Wee had onelee weeks tu evevakuate Dellta. With Dellta in sertan dume, ar hope was tu sore tu Gamma, but wee had noe kalonee ther. Wee had 7 ships availabel. 6 had peepel and 3 months of supplies eech. 1 ship kaireed ar teknolojee. That ship held ar soring masheens, ar komemunikashun eekwipmint, shelters, and everee thing needed tu restart ar sivilliesaeshun. 6 ships made it tu Gamma. 1 ship, ar ship, did not.

Wee due not noe if thae kan sirvive without….(text was not recoverable)

Volcanoes in the lower left caused by fragments from the break up of Epsilon

Volcanoes in the lower left caused by fragments from the break up of Epsilon

Ar ship was tha last tu leve Dellta. Deebree from r home world hit ar ship. It disstroyd ar injin kontrol. Ar injins flamed until wee had noe fuel. Ar orbit touk us abav tha planit orbits, around Sol, then in an eeliptikal orbit out past Epsilon and back tu Sol. Of ar 16 crew, 7 hav survived 2 orbits, but ther is noe hope. Wee noe longer can reepair our eekwipmint and ar air sistim will fail sune.

Message 10884.11.75.06.04.44.03
Wee hav watchd as ar broekin world has reekd havoke. Tha rimnants of Epsilon tore thru tha Sol sistim and miny larg fragmints inkluding 2 of Epsilons moons ar still in unstaebel orbits that will evinchuelee hit another world or Sol. 4 massiv fragmints hit Dellta kreeating majore fire mountans spewing out likwid rok. It is terning tha world inside out. Tha impakts of tha fragmints pushd Delltas gas in tu spase and chaengd its axis by 25 dagrees. Oever 1000 peepel wer left on Dellta and thae ar all ded.

Far side of the Moon peppered by fragments of Planet Epsilon

Far side of Earth’s Moon peppered by fragments of Planet Epsilon

Gamma survived thanks tu its Mone. A storem of deebree hit tha bak side of the Mone, but 1 larj fragment did hit tha Gamma. It filld tha air with fire and ash and tilt the axis almoset as much as Dellta. Kondishuns fore our peepel mae not bee sirviveabel.

 Zeta was forjunate. It was on tha opposeit of Sol when Epsilon xploded and it has not bin hit by maejor fragmints yet, however, ……(text was not recoverable)

Saturn's rings from the oceans of Epsilon

Saturn’s rings from the oceans of Epsilon

 ….differint fore Eta. Ae larj fragmint and sum fine deebree, posieblee likwid from 1 of Epsilons oeshuns was sent towards Eta. The fragmint tilted Etas axis and tha fine deebree went in tu orbit around Eta. It seems tu bee forming ae ring strukchure around Eta.

Sum of Epsilon was eejektd far out frum Sol kreeating ae cloud of deebree in tha outer sistim. Deebree nere Zeta was absorbed, but sum setteld in orbit ahed and beehind Zeta. What littel is left of Epsilon is spreding out whair ar world usd tu orbit. Fragmints will kontinue tu raen don on tha worlds fore senjurees…..(text was not recoverable) 

Message 10884.11.75.08.18.32.29
…..(text was not recoverable) Wee had kontakt with tha moset of tha ather ships until their power faild. Thae must restart ar race without all tha teknalogee wee karee on r ship. It mae bee hundreds of orbits, mae bee longer beefore thae kan sore aegaen. This message will not bee red until long after wee ar gon.

10 Things To Decline From An Employer

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

No longer can anyone expect to build a lifelong career with one organization, nor is that considered healthy for the individual or the company. A person is now his or her own commodity. He or she must expect to build their own skills and reputation as an individual on the open market rather than as corporate employee number 8675309.

In this Brave New Working World a person should be prepared to say ‘no’ to antiquated elements of 20th Century employment, not only because they are inappropriate, but because they indicate that employer is unaware of their failure to be competitive in the 21st Century. Benefits and perks that were meant to tie a person to one organization no longer make sense in a world where ‘permanent employee’ has been replaced by ‘contract labor.’

Here are ten employment offers and requests that should be declined from an employer and cause you to re-evaluate your working relationship with a company:

No. 10 – Retirement Benefits
It should be obvious that any company offering retirement benefits either does not understand today’s working world or is trying to offer something that they know you will never receive. Better to have the money now and invest than pretend you’ll still be with the company when you retire.

The Company Email is always the company's to give or take away

The company giveth and taketh away access to your email

No. 9 – The Company Email Account
You many have to use the company email when corresponding with others in the company, but always ask yourself, “If the company decided to lay me off today and they ended my access to my email account, what information would I lose?” What about that email from the senior executive that ordered you to overcharge your customer? Every email sent to your company email account should be forwarded to a private account and blind copy any company emails you send to your private account. This protects you and the company from the unethical corporate manager.

No. 8 – The Company Car
When I was growing up my uncle worked for an oil tool business and he had a company car. I thought that was the coolest perk in the world. While it is a rare perk in today’s world, it should be declined in most situations. The problem with the full-time company car is that it becomes a liability if a better employment opportunity arises. Suddenly you’re faced with buying a new car in order to accept a better job.

The company cell phone comes with chains attached

The company cell phone comes with chains attached

No. 7 – The Company Cell Phone
Many people fail to realize what a company cell phone represents. It is a chain that ties the employee to the employer 24/7/365. A boss may hesitate to call a private cell phone, but have no problem calling the phone they are paying for at 3 AM. Many jobs require an employee to be accessible, but you are better off with your own phone than be indentured by a company cell phone.

No. 6 – Giving Your Employer Your Social Media Passwords
There are questions as to whether it is legal for an employer to demand an employee’s passwords to his or her Facebook, Twitter, and other Social Media passwords. The bottom line is that you do not want to work for a company that wants this level of control on your life. It will only go downhill from there.

No 5 – Restricting Free Speech (The NDA)
In an exercise with students in a graduate program, I purchased the fictional company they worked for and I was interviewing them to determine who to keep and who to let go. As part of this exercise I gave each of them an outrageous NDA contract (see Kco NDA) to sign. In almost every case, the Master’s program students signed it, most without question.

A company’s has a right to protect its reputation, but employers should be under the burden to gain the loyalty, trust, and respect of their employees so that they would not dream of talking smack about their workplace. If an employee is ready to bad mouth the source of their income then either the employer hired the wrong person, or the employer has failed to treat their employee as an important asset. In either case, it is the employer, not the employee who shoulders the burden of the failure.

No. 4 – Intellectual Property
If you have been consigned to produce something tangible for someone, then you have agreed to surrender it once it has been created and delivered; however, many companies are claiming ownership of any work done by an employee as their own intellectual property. Nothing could be more disrespectful to a human than to treat them as a machine that is only useful as a tree from which they pick and enjoy the fruit. A business that values their team would never have to be concerned about the issue of intellectual property because each team member’s work would be a source of pride and celebration. The important element in any organization is the person who creates the work, not the work itself.

Before you sign away your right to maintain ownership of your work you should ask if you want your give away your legacy of achievement to those who didn’t do the work?

The Affordable Care Act is emancipation for the worker

The Affordable Care Act is emancipation for the worker

No. 3 – Health Benefits
America has millions of people who continue to work for an employer primarily because they need or want the health insurance offered by the company. As an employer do you want people to only be working for you because of the health benefit perk?

The biggest impact that the Affordable Care Act will have on America is to free people to work for people they want to work for, not those who have the critical health care benefit he or she needs.

No. 2 – Pay For Performance
When someone attempts to quantify a job or project they sacrifice common sense for greed. The need to meet the measured goals forces an employee to ignore important aspects of work that can’t be measured or quantified. Pay For Performance assumes the Ends always justifies the Means, which is rarely true in the business world, despite what greedy executives and investors think. Almost always customer satisfaction is at risk under Pay For Performance standards because a customers true satisfaction cannot be measured by questionnaires, surveys, nor sales. In every case the wise employee will figure out how to exploit the system and defeat the true purpose of the evaluation tool.

Pay For Performance systems are lose-lose scenarios for everyone and a company that relies on them does not understand how to truly motivate and reward its team; therefore, you should avoid the trap they are setting for you, your customers, and themselves.

No. 1 – The NCA
The non-compete agreement or NCA is the one indicator that proves only fools work for the employer, and there are plenty of fools out there. You shouldn’t be one of them. 

An NCA basically eviscerates your career by not allowing you to continue working if you leave the current company. In today’s world that can be a death sentence. Your skills and experience are laid to waste by an NCA and you should never agree to it, nor should you consider working for someone who asks you to sign one.

Nevada Middle School Shooting Made Worse By Absent and Inept Public Relations Management

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

On October 21st a 12 year-old Nevada boy brought a gun to his school, killed a teacher, shot two other students, then killed himself. The shooting left families devastated in a continuing saga of gun-related school incidents. Sadly, the crisis was intensified and prolonged by the failure of the local authorities to use standard and best practices in managing public relations. At times it seemed that there was a vacuum in media management. At other times it seemed that government officials from China had been employed to handle community relations.

Sparks Middle School - A tragedy made worse

Sparks Middle School – A tragedy made worse

In any crisis situation there is panic followed by confusion, rumors, and fear. The first goal is to resolve the immediate crisis. In most situations this will involve turning over control of the facilities and situation to law enforcement and other first responders.

However, the second goal of an organization in a crisis is to reduce the confusion, rumors, and fears. This process must start as quickly as possible, and sometimes it must be done before the crisis is under control by first responders.

In the Nevada incident, parents throughout the Reno community¹ were aware of an active shooter on a local school campus within minutes of the 7:15 AM shooting incident. There were 20 to 30 eyewitnesses when the teenager shot a teacher, who then reportedly went into the school and killed himself . It was all over within a few minutes. 

(¹The shooting occurred in Sparks, Nevada, a suburb of Reno.)

In the first hours following the shooting some rumors persisted that police were looking for the suspect; however, it is likely that law enforcement on the scene knew within ten to fifteen minutes that shooter was dead. With the suspect dead, the priorities of the first responders were to render assistance to the wounded, secure the students and school, secure the crime scene, and gather information.

Children became the official source of the shooting

Children became the official information source of the shooting

At least eight different sources were quoted in the first few hours after the shooting. This would indicate that the Washoe County School District and the various law enforcement agencies responding did not select a skilled spokesperson to manage the post-shooting situation. At 7:42 AM, less than 30 minutes after the shooting, the Reno Gazette Journal reported the following:

  • A shooting had occurred at Sparks Middle School
  • A police spokesperson had confirmed that the shooter was ‘neutralized’
  • Police were looking for the suspect
  • The school was on lockdown
  • The students had been evacuated

It shouldn’t be a surprise that the information coming from the crime scene in the first hour of the incident will be in conflict; however, the role of the primary spokesperson is to rapidly identify rumors and incorrect facts and address them. Two hours after the shooting a press conference was held. This was the opportunity for local authorities to reduce anxiety, confusion, and fear by detailing critical information. By answering as many of the basic questions (who, what, where, when, why, how) as possible the public could be reassured that despite the tragedy, authorities knew what happened and had the situation under control. After the press conference the Reno Gazette Journal reported:

“Authorities released few details about a shooting at about 7:15 a.m. at Sparks Middle School during a 9:15 a.m. press conference.”

If the families of the dead and wounded had not been notified then it would not have been appropriate to release the names; however, authorities wouldn’t even confirm whether teachers or students had been shot. Students began reporting what happened to the media and with no cooperation from local authorities, the families were contacted. That is the symptom of absent or inept media management.

Forcing Children To Be Spokespeople
Within minutes after the shooting word spread, not just within the local community, but around the world. Instantly parents, grandparents, relatives, and friends of school-age children began asking questions. What school? Was anyone killed? How many were shot? Who was killed or injured? Was it over? Why did it happen? Is my child/grandchild safe?

By withholding the details the local authorities did not withhold the story they just lost management of it. Without an official source for information the witnesses, in this case, mostly children, became the official spokesperson. To make the blunders of the first day worse, suburban police and city officials refused to release the name of the shooter for three days, citing that his name did not appear on any ‘report.’ 

The Public’s Right To Know Not the Correct Issue
Local media was incensed by the stonewalling of the authorities to release the name; however, this was more than an issue of the public’s Right to Know. The stated reason by authorities to withhold the shooter’s name was to protect the family, the failure to release this information put more focus on the shooter’s family to confirm or deny the rumors that were rampant within the community.

A skilled spokesperson would have understood this and worked to ensure that the information was appropriately released while also urging the media to respect the family’s need to grieve. 

Who Owns Information?
In the 20th century mass communication came with a catch. Access to information could be controlled. The public knew what the government, public relations staff, editors, and news directors wanted us to know. That changed with the Internet and Social Media. Information is fluid and it will flow through any conduit it can find. Information desired by the public will find the quickest path and anyone who believes they can stop the flow of it is only diverting it through another source. A spokesperson can and should be the quickest path for facts and information because it will reduce the fear, confusion and rumors.

The mishandling of the crisis in Nevada should serve as a lesson as to why a skilled, experienced crisis manager and spokesperson should be a part of every organization. No tragedy should be made worse by inept local authorities.

Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP Release a Full Frontal Lesson in Pop Music Y2K+13

Tags

, , , , , ,

Lady Gaga is the artist that some love to hate, still it’s hard not to be in awe of Lady Gaga’s success. If you want a textbook case of how to create anticipation over an artist’s work, then study Lady Gaga’s newest musical release, ARTPOP. Sans costumes and masks, Lady G demonstrates why she is the reigning queen of popular music even without the flash.

ARTPOP by Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga’s newest ‘album’ ARTPOP 

Delivery of Product
It’s important to have a historical perspective of the journey of an artist’s music from the recording studio to the listener’s ear. When ARTPOP was released last week, millions accessed the ‘album’ without buying a vinyl disc, recorded magnetic tape, cd, nor any tangible media. This is old news, but much of the music industry still fails to accept that the world has changed. Today, music goes from recording studio to the listener in the time it Sarah Palin to say something stupid, yet the music industry is still trying to figure out how to keep old revenue streams (e.g.; CD sales) going despite the new reality.

Quality of Work
While there are rare examples of a great album coming together in a matter of months, most quality music takes time, focus, and dedication. Lady Gaga started work on ARTPOP in 2011 and spent much of 2012 and some of 2013 molding it into a final product. It is said that William Shakespeare did not waste a word in crafting a play. Each line is intended to have meaning and purpose. Such are the songs of ARTPOP.

Art work from ARTPOP

Art work from ARTPOP

How many songs in the ARTPOP collection will be in the Top 10 on the charts is unknown; however, it is clear that each song is crafted for its poetry, musicality, and/or statement on life, sex, and fame. The songs are blatant expressions from the Lady Gaga point of view. This is not music for pre-teens. It is heavily laced with sexuality and statements of passion. She also takes a slaps the fashion industry with Donatella and Fashion! 

ARTPOP is the exclamation point in the pop music industry. Lady Gage uses all aspects of technology and media in conceiving, nurturing, and delivering her artistic creations to the listener. She reaches out to her public, but is not a slave to them. She gives the audience what it wants, and then gives them more. I believe she is sincere singing, “I live for the applause.” (Applause) and just as sincere when she sings, “U can’t have my heart and u won’t use my mind’ (Do What U Want featuring R Kelly.)

ARTPOP is pop music Y2K+13 and Lady Gaga is writing the book on how it’s done.

(NOTE:  This review was not solicited nor was any form of compensation offered in exchange for the views expressed.)

Camera Locations Needed For NASA All Sky Fireball Network

Tags

, , , , ,

Did you see a meteor fireball last night? Do you know how far away or near it was to you? Do you know how fast it was going? What direction it came from or if pieces of it might have hit the ground? NASA is trying to answer those questions by maintaining a constant watch on our skies.

Recently NASA started the All Sky Fireball Network, which is a series of cameras that look up for major meteor fireballs in the sky. They use a minimum of two cameras placed 50 to 90 miles apart to allow both cameras to record the fireball. That allows NASA to determine the direction and speed of the meteor.

Current camera locations for NASA's Fireball network

Current camera locations for NASA’s Fireball network

The network is operated by NASA’s Meteoroid Environment Office (MEO) in Huntsville, Alabama, and they are looking for additional locations for the bi-camera system. The sites must meet the following requirements:

Camera
Need an outdoor location that is/has:

  •  Secure
  • A mostly unobstructed view of the sky, horizon to horizon
  • Relatively free of light pollution – no bright lights near the camera. For example:
  • No sports field or stadium lights nearby
  • No towers with blinking lights visible
  • No parking lot lights that would shine into the camera
  • Stable; we cannot mount a camera on a moving roof or other platform that would change the camera’s position from night to night.
  • Distant from kilowatt radio transmitters or other sources of radio noise

Camera-control Computer
Need an indoor location that is/has:

  • Secure
  • Climate controlled (ideally)
  • Power
  • Fast, reliable Internet connection (minimum upload speed of 100 KB/s) with the ability to assign a static IP address
  • The ability to open port 22 for internet communication in/out (only necessary if a firewall is in place)
  • Located within 125 feet of the camera
  • The means to run cables from the camera to the computer
  • A window or some other means (e.g. short cable run to the outdoors) by which the GPS unit can get a lock. The cable on the GPS receiver is 22 feet long, so the window would need to be located within 22 feet of the computer. Similarly, a cable run to the outdoors shouldn’t be more than 22 feet long.

If your organization is interested in making a proposal, contact Danielle Moser at MEO at the Marshall Space Flight Center or contact me for her email.

Wimpy Sunspot Maximum Typical for Early in the Century

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Seven identified sunspots are on the Earth-side for 9 NOV 2013

Seven identified sunspots are on the Earth-side for 9 NOV 2013

Sunspots of 9 NOV 2013

Sunspots of 9 NOV 2013

The Sun’s sunspot maximum is turning out to be a dud, but that shouldn’t be a surprise. The sunspot maximum began its eleven year cycle in 2010 after one of the quietest solar minimums in recent history. Now in its fourth year, the sunspot maximum is one of the wimpiest since early last century.

Graph 1.0  Sunspot cycle for last 60 years

Sunspot cycle for last 60 years

The current sunspot activity is half to two-thirds of the previous five cycles (See Graph 1.0;) however, the current cycle is typical of the first solar maximum of the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries (See Graph 2.0.)

Graph 2.0  Sunspot activity since 1700

Graph 2.0 Sunspot activity since 1700

The current cycle is also building to a double peak of sunspot activity that has been consistent in the last three sunspot maximums, which is typically followed by a rapid drop off of sunspot numbers. It is likely that activity will fall dramatically during 2014-15 leading us into the next solar minimum that will bottom out late in this decade.

My Dream: Charlie Rose Interviews…Charlie Rose

There are few people I admire more than Charlie Rose. Rose is a master of the interview. He asks the correct questions and knows how reach the information that his audience wants to know without making the guest feel uncomfortable or defensive. He attracts the masters of their field to his table with one exception. He has yet to interview Charlie Rose. If he could it might go like this:

Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose

ROSE:  My next guest is a legend in American television and has no peers in the craft of the on camera interview. At 71, Charlie Rose is involved in four shows, with his flagship show airing five nights a week and hosting the CBS This Morning five mornings a week. His ease at conversation, his top shelf guests, and consistent ability to make any topic intriguing is the envy of the entertainment industry. A seat at Charlie Rose’s table is the definition of success. In a Rose interview pretentiousness and ego whither in the glow of relaxed discussion that makes the audience believe he is best friends with the world. I’m pleased to have Charlie Rose at my table. Welcome.

ROSE:  Thank you.

ROSE:  You have a degree in Law?

ROSE:  Do you need a lawyer?…Because if you do, I’m not the guy you want. (Both laugh)

ROSE:  But you have a law degree.

ROSE:  Yes.

ROSE:  From Duke.

ROSE:  In North Carolina.

ROSE:  You were born and raised in Henderson, North Carolina.

ROSE:  Yes.

ROSE:  And you have a house and a farm in North Carolina. (pause) What is it about North Carolina that attracts you?

ROSE:  Staying in touch with reality. I love the people and energy of New York, but North Carolina is part of me, part of my history.

ROSE:  It’s home.

ROSE:  Certainly, but for me is reminds me that what we see on the endless stream of news everyday is not what is happening in most of the world. I go there to keep the correct perspective.

ROSE:  Your parents had a tobacco farm and a store. And you helped out in the store.

ROSE:  Worked is a better description. I’m not sure my Dad always thought I always helped. It was a great place to grow up . People coming in everyday, talking about all the important things, the family, the weather,…

ROSE:  Is that where you gained the ability to ….talk to people?

ROSE:  It contributed, I’m sure. In a small community there are always interesting people and they always had something interesting to say.

ROSE:  You were an only child….why didn’t you just stay in Henderson and stay with the family’s business?

ROSE:  I suppose it was not meant to be. Partly because I was good at basketball and partly because I wanted more…more knowledge. I had questions and I thought that college would give me answers.

ROSE:  Did it?

ROSE:  No, but it did redirect me.

ROSE:  Into Law.

ROSE:  Law and politics. Both taught me that there is always more to any story.

ROSE:  You worked for Senator Everett Jordan.

ROSE:  Senator Jordan was a great statesman, also from North Carolina.

ROSE:  What was it about that experience that was so important in changing your degree from pre-med to law?

ROSE:  It might have been that I was just really bad at science…(both chuckle)…but Senator Jordan had just become the Chair of the Rules and Administration committee. He was the inside man on the inner workings of the Senate. Working for him I discovered what really drove the process of making new laws.

ROSE:  Morrow was from North Carolina, Brinkley was from North Carolina, Charles Kuralt…what is it about North Carolina the breeds great journalists?

ROSE:  There are a lot of great journalists from other places. I’m not sure North Carolina is any more special than any other place.

ROSE:  Okay, but North Carolina is not a place you’d expect to turn out internationally known journalists. 

ROSE:  I think most good journalists are able to relate to people of diverse backgrounds. If you can get the farmer down the road to talk to you, then you probably talk to anyone.

ROSE:  How is it that you bring the best of the best to your table? You have people who will talk to you that won’t do interviews with anyone else…..How do you do that consistently?

ROSE:  You have great people.

ROSE:  Your ‘other’ Executive Producer, Yvette Vega?

Yvette Vega

Yvette Vega, the other Executive Producer for The Charlie Rose Show

ROSE:  Well, she’s at the top of the list. Yvette condenses my world into something manageable. There are guests that I recruit, but Yvette and the rest of the staff have a system of finding guests and then preparing myself and the guest or guests for the interview.

ROSE:  Your interviews seems spontaneous…are they?

ROSE:  That depends on your definition of spontaneous. I have a list of questions and discussion points. I also know about how much time we think we need to cover the topic. The staff finds out the what is relevant about the guest and topic and we have a game plan before I sit down with the guest. At the red light we finish the process with the interview.

ROSE:  Red light meaning the camera is rolling.

ROSE:  Well, they’re digital now, so nothing really rolls anymore. (ROSE chuckles.)

ROSE:  What’s your toughest interview?

ROSE:  People who are not used to the cameras, and people who hate doing interviews.

ROSE:  What is it about the lack of on camera experience?

ROSE:  I need a person’s total attention and inexperienced people tend to put a show on for the camera. They have a hard time ignoring everything else around us.

ROSE:  And people who hate interviews just don’t want to cooperate?

ROSE:  They spend too much time trying to avoid saying the wrong thing that they don’t say anything.

ROSE:  You worked with Bill Moyers.

ROSE:  Yes.

ROSE:  In 1976 you won a Peabody Award for your interview with President Jimmy Carter….Was that the start of your career?

ROSE:  It was a significant milestone, but there were several things that happened that put me on the path of journalism prior to that interview.

ROSE:  What is it that you do in your interviews that makes the guests comfortable talking to you?

ROSE:  I’m not looking to generate a headline with my guests.

ROSE:  Explain that.

ROSE:  When I talk with someone I’m not looking to unveil any secrets. My guests know that we are working together to educate our audience on the topic under discussion. There is no hidden agenda.

ROSE:  Do you feel any pressure to entertain?

ROSE:  What’s more entertaining than learning something you didn’t know before?

ROSE:  Is there any retirement for Charlie Rose?

ROSE:  I hope not.

ROSE:  You just work until you die?

ROSE:  That would be perfect.

ROSE:  Thank you.

ROSE:  Thank you.

Are you a Good Photographer or a Great Photographer?

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Mt. Shasta July 2012

Mt. Shasta

I have spent almost 40 years off and on with my Nikon cameras. I love photography and I have enough good shots to open up a small gallery if I had them printed up and displayed. The problem is that despite my experience and skills, I’m just another good photographer. I don’t meet the qualifications of a great photographer.

Mom and Daughter 2012

Mom and Daughter

So what is the difference between a good photographer and a great photographer?

A good photographer can’t wait to see the images (printed or on a computer) because he or she is pretty sure they got some good shots. A great photographer knows the instant the shutter closes that the shot is great and doesn’t need to wait to see it because it is recorded in their mind.

A good photographer understands the use of light, color, and shadow in photography and seeks to find it in every shot. A great photographer sees the subject for all viewpoints and knows automatically where and when to take the image for the best use of light, color, and shadow.

Boy on Edge

Boy on Edge

A good photographer can see the flaws in his or her images. A great photographer knows how to fix flaws in the image in editing so that no one knows he or she made a mistake.

A good photographer can find moments in his or her subjects that express emotion. A great photographer can create emotion in his or her subjects that they didn’t even know they had.

A good photographer experiments with equipment and camera lenses to take his or her images to the next level. A great photographer is a master of his or her images. Extra equipment, lenses, filters are used as needed to make a good image great but are never a substitute for skill and experience.

A Walk With A VIP

A Walk With A VIP

A good photographer is sensitive to the needs of his subjects, and always places their concerns and ideas first during a photo shoot. A great photographer is a pain in the ass and could care less about the input of his or her subjects. Capturing the perfection of the moment is the first and last concern of a great photographer and everything else is just noise.

How Did Earth Get A Moon?

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Earth's Only Child

Earth’s Only Child

How Earth was blessed with a Moon was anybody’s guess 50 years ago. In our solar system it’s a relatively big moon. At slightly over 1,000 miles (1,700 km) in diameter it’s about half the size of planet Mars and there are only four moons (Ganymede, Titan, Callisto, and Io) that are bigger than Earth’s Moon.

Pre-Apollo Mission Theories
So how did Earth end up with a natural satellite that rivals the biggest moons of  the massive planets Jupiter and Saturn? And why just one?

Moons of our Solar System

Moons of our Solar System

Prior to the Apollo missions to the Moon, there were three main theories of the origin of the Moon. First, was the adopted daughter theory. It proposed that our Moon wandered into Earth’s gravitational pull and was captured. Second, was the mother/daughter theory that suggested the Moon was spun off from the Earth when it was still a molten blob of spinning material. The final theory was the sister theory where both bodies that formed side by side.

Apollo 17 Astronaut - Our last mission to the Moon, 40 years ago

Apollo 17 Astronaut – Our last mission to the Moon, 40 years ago

Hard Evidence: The Destroyer of Theories
When the Apollo missions came back to Earth with Moon rocks the three existing theories took a big hit. Had the Moon rocks matched the composition of Earth rocks then scientists could dismiss the adopted daughter theory because a wandering Moon wouldn’t likely have rocks similar to Earth’s. If the composition of the Moon rocks were different then they could dismiss the other two theories. What no one saw coming was the idea that the Moon rocks would match the composition of our Earth rocks, except for a lack of iron. The rocks were the same, but different.

None of the theories really met the evidence in hand, but now the geologists had a vital clue. When Earth first formed all the elements were mixed throughout the molten mass that would become our planet. As time passed most of the iron sank deeper into the mass to become Earth’s core. The evidence suggested that the Moon must have formed from Earth’s material after the iron sank into the core.

The New Theory: Impact Earth
It was clear the material for the Moon had to come from Earth, but the transfer of material had to occur after the most of the iron was not mixed in with the shallow layers of molten Earth. Enter the Impact Theory.

Scientists proposed that the Earth must have been hit with a large object (about the size of Mars) that pushed out shallow molten material into a near Earth orbit to create our Moon. The theory assumes the object was absorbed into Earth’s mass and didn’t significantly change the composition of the Earth or the Moon. Those are big assumptions.

The Little Bang Theory
Recently scientists are suggesting a new theory for the formation of the Moon that proposes a natural nuclear explosion blew off part of Earth’s shallow material after most of the iron sank into the core. The idea of natural nuclear reactions are not new. Radioactive material will always start a chain reaction upon reaching its critical mass and we have evidence that Earth has had multiple natural nuclear explosions in the past. It simply requires enough radioactive material to consolidate in close proximity to start a chain reaction. If it is radioactive and it reaches critical mass, BANG! A nuclear explosion.

So is this it? Do we now know how the Moon was formed? Not Exactly. Scientific knowledge is like the work of a detective. Learn something new and you can rule out certain possibilities, but it takes decades, sometimes centuries, to understand enough of what ‘couldn’t have happened’ in order to understand what did happen. It is likely we won’t have many more answers coming until we have scientists working on the Moon again. It’s hard to gather the evidence when you aren’t at the scene of the crime.

Five Rules For Taking Images of Your Children

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Alexander and JasmineI’m an image horse. From my first film-hungry Nikon FM in the 1970’s to the inexpensive, but utilitarian digital Nikon D60, I’ve recorded life through my camera lens. I’m not a professional, but I’ve logged years with landscape, micro, macro, stellar, animal, model, and most other forms of photography.

The one type of photography I dislike most is the type that parents love to do, take semi-posed pictures of people. Every time I hear a parent say, “Smile! Smile! Come on, SMILE!,” I cringe. I don’t know who started the “Smile” prompting, but it is the worst thing anyone can ask of the subject of an image to do. It is saying to the child (or adult), “We want you to fake an emotion so we can show you faking an emotion to other people.”

Humans don’t fake emotions well. In fact, we are horrible at faking emotions. Children are the worst. A fake smile is marked by a tight facial expression around the mouth, bared teeth, and cringed eyes. Unfortunately, the people who take these horrible images are often rewarded by comments like, “Oh, he looks so handsome,” or “They look like they’re having such a great time!” Of course people are going to compliment your picture-taking ability, they want it to end!

This doesn’t mean people need to take sad or “how-long-do-I-have-to-stand-here?” pictures. There are a few simple rules that will avoid taking fake pictures of people you love.

Image Composition is YOUR Job, Not Their’s
Instead of going for the posed shot, which everyone hates to be involved in, position yourself so that you can take a REAL image of what is happening. From talking to playing children (and adults) in action are much more interesting than a posed shot. You want a recorded image of people engaged in life, not the camera, so you must do the work required of any good photographer, not them.

Does Fake Happy Really Tell The Story?
Sometimes children can be intensely focused on a task, or interacting with others. WHY would you want to stop this intensity and fake a smile for the image? Take the picture that tells the story instead of the fake happy picture that makes them look stupid.

If You Demand Happy, Make It Real
Okay, happy children can be a great image, but if you must have that type of image, make them laugh naturally. Ask questions like, “who’s the stupidest person with a camera?” When they laugh and point at you, take the picture. I guarantee that image will be better than the one where you said, “Smile!”

Be Unseen and Patient
It’s almost always better to hang around for a while before you take the picture. Look for the best composition, the best angle, and become part of the background. They may notice you, but children attention spans are marvelously short and they have a Jedi-like power to ignore a parent, so use that to your advantage.

It’s Digital, Take Lots of Images, Select Few
People sometimes think that every image should be perfect. I’ll admit, in the days of film cameras, when I got my photos back from the developer I used to feel guilty about all the failed images; however, today they are just digital bytes and bad pictures can be deleted. Take ten images and consider yourself a great photographer if there is one good one in the bunch.

Here’s one thing to consider the next time you see someone point a camera at another human:  if they say ‘Smile!’ it’s going to be a bad image.

Nugent Attempts to Assassinate Obama, Gets Wrong City, Shoots Self

Tags

, , , ,

Ted Nugent: America's Epic Fail

Ted Nugent: America’s Epic Failure

Miami, Florida – April 1, 2013

Last April the 64 year-old rock musician Ted Nugent said that if President Barack Obama was re-elected:

“…I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Ted Nugent

It was the latter and he still had two weeks to spare. On April 15, 2012, Nugent made the comment at the National Rifle Association (NRA) convention in St. Louis, Missouri. He was there to support Mitt Romney for President.

Nugent was arrested in Miami, Florida for attempting to assassinate the President; however, it may be hard for the prosecution to make a case against him since he was almost a 1000 miles away from the Commander-in-Chief. The President was scheduled to speak on the campus of the Miami University in Oxford, Ohio; however, Nugent went to the University of Miami in Miami, Florida.

Nugent apparently became enraged when he could not find President Obama and began waving a gun over his head yelling:

“WHERE IS HE! WHERE IS HE! I’LL KILL HIM! I’ll KILL HIM!”

Within minutes several campus police officers arrived and ordered Nugent to drop his weapon. Nugent apparently calmed down and began to tuck the gun under his belt at which point it discharged, wounding himself in the leg. He then yelled:

“You SHOT Me! You SHOT Me!”

The campus police then moved in, took Nugent’s gun and arrested him. It was several hours later that Nugent learned the police had not fired and that he shot himself. He is expected to make a full recovery, but doctors say that he may walk with a limp. When asked if the wound would affect his ability to play and sing, the hospital representative said:

“They’re doctors, not miracle workers.”

A spokesperson for the Secret Service was asked if they would be involved with the case and she said:

“The Secret Service focuses on credible threats, but somebody will probably have to go down to Miami anyway.”

Nugent will be arraigned in Miami on Monday.

Doomsday Now 2014, Not 2012

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Oakland, California – April 1, 2013

Family Radio (a.k.a; Family Stations, Inc.) headquartered in Oakland, California has announced that the end of the world has been rescheduled for February 21, 2014. They base their prediction on scripture and on an alignment of planets that will occur on that date. Family Radio and its former CEO, Harold Camping, have previously predicted the end of the world to occur on September 1994, March 1995, May 21, 2011, and October 21,  2011.

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

Planet orbits for February 21, 2014

According to Family Radio, the Earth will be pulled apart because Mercury, Venus, and Mars will all be in a line and Jupiter and Saturn will be on opposite side of Earth. A spokesperson for Family Radio said:

“We knew the end of the world would not be in 2012. This is what happens when you listen to amateurs and godless heathens.”

When asked about how they determined this date to be the end of the world, the spokesperson said:

“The Mayans essentially were correct, but they made an error when they converted to the metric system.”

It was explained that the prediction of December 21, 2012 placed a one in the place of a zero (12 becomes 02) for the month, and that led to the year being off by two, so instead of 12.21.2012 it should have been 02.21.2014. When asked how the metric system applied to the date, the spokesperson replied:

“It’s too complicated for the lay person to understand. Trust us, we’ve been doing this for a long time.”

GPS for the Homeless

Tags

, , , , , ,

Dallas, Texas – April 1, 2013

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: GPS

Nancy Brinker Cure for homelessness: A GPS device

Nancy Brinker, former Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure CEO, has a new cause. She is the driving force behind a new non-profit called, GPS 4 Homeless. The project is collecting old Global Positioning System (GPS) devices and giving them to the homeless.

In a news conference held this morning Brinker explained:

“The homeless are just people who are lost and need direction. That is exactly what a GPS device does and if homeless people could afford a GPS device they would no longer be lost! I don’t know why nobody has thought of this before!”

A spokesperson for GPS 4 Homeless added:

“When one of our people upgrade to a newer model they put the old one in a drawer. Now it can be put to good use for those people.”

When asked what they meant by ‘our people,’ the spokesperson responded, “You know, us.” Asked if they meant wealthy white people, the spokesperson replied, “Who else would I be talking about?”

Brinker added:

“This is one cause that has no political division. Everybody wants to help the homeless and that’s what we’re doing.”

GPS 4 Homeless is currently only in Texas, but their plan is to expand into Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Mississippi by 2014.

Chinese Men Givien iPads to Control Birthrate

Tags

, , , , , ,

April 1, 2013 – Beijing, China

iPad in China: Better than sex?

iPad in China: Better than sex?

It was revealed today that the Chinese government struck a deal with Apple to purchase significant quantities of iPads as part of a program to control the birthrate. Unofficial Chinese sources say that they have found that a male with an iPad spends 48% less time engaged in relationship-related activity including coitus.

“The iPad is the ultimate lover as it offers constant attention and requires very little in return,” according to one government source. China expects to reduce the birthrate by 25% or more through the alternative-stimulus program. 

Apple had no public comment on the use of iPads to inhibit sexual intercourse; however, privately a reliable source did say that since iPad was launched in April 2010, the city of Cupertino, California, where Apple is headquartered, has seen no growth in population.

No one offered a direct cause for why the iPad might have an affect in inhibiting sexual activity, but one woman we asked said, “Are you just stupid, or what?”

Apple says it doesn’t expect any shortages of iPads despite the massive purchase; however, they don’t know when any more iPad will be delivered to the United States.

Queen Elizabeth II Abdicates, Five Heirs Refuse Throne

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

London, England – April 1, 2013

Princess Eugenie to become Queenie Eugenie?

Queenie Eugenie?

Citing the Pope as her inspiration, Queen Elizabeth II shocked the world when it was announced that she would abdicate her throne in order to enjoy her golden years as commoner. Buckingham Palace announced the news and added that Prince Charles, Prince William, Prince Harry, Prince Andrew, and Princess Beatrice all declined to succeed the Queen, leaving Princess Eugenie as the next in line for the throne.

None of the Royal family has spoken publicly about the sudden upheaval; however, sources have stated that Princess Eugenie is quoted to have said, “Hell yes!” when asked if she would consider taking the throne. Royal sources said that the immediate family are requiring that she be fully briefed on the responsibilities she would be assuming if she becomes Queen before her answer is accepted.

Prince Charles apparently politely declined when approached by the Queen, and Prince William is reported to have cited the wish to focus on their new child, rather than assume the throne. Prince Harry is said to have been less graceful in his refusal when he said “Bite me, I’m not that stupid!” No reason was offered on or off the record for Princess Beatrice reason to decline the throne.

Queen Elizabeth II, the second longest reigning monarch, was thought to have a chance to surpass Queen Victoria and become the longest reigning monarch; however, she will apparently fall about two and a half years short of that mark.

If Princess Eugenie, who just turned 23, becomes England’s next Queen, she will be younger that Elizabeth II, who was 25 when she became Queen.

The coronation could be held as soon as this summer or fall depending on how quickly a final decision is reached. 

Boehner, GOP Pass Funding Scheme For Privatized Death Star

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Washington, D.C. – April 1, 2013  

Republicans in Congress managed to slip a little noticed addendum to the budget bill that provides a funding scheme for a Star Wars-like Death Star to be operated and run by private interests. The language of the addendum would void the entire budget bill if removed and authorizes the funding plan if Congress fails to pass or kill the budget bill on it by April 4, 2013. The authors of the measure have created legislation where no action is required to fund the Death Star. House Speaker Boehner (Ohio-R) said:

“We are very comfortable with legislation that requires no action. It’s what we’ve been doing for years and we’re getting very good at it.” (Rep. Boehner)

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine out the luxury condos and living envioronment

Under the GOP plan, the project will use a large asteroid pushed into Earth orbit and mine the luxury condos and living environment out of existing rock

Boehner added that this a budget neutral bill as the initial government funding for the project is a loan that will be repaid by a private consortium over the term of the loan. Unnamed sources have confirmed the term of the loan to be 10,000 years. Representative and former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said,

“This is a win-win-win project. It provides hundreds of thousands of new jobs over the next 100 years, it will put America’s back in space again, and it is the mother of all defense programs.” (Rep. Ryan)

When asked about a rumored plan to use prisoners from thousands of American jails as cheap and expendable labor, Ryan replied, “Another win-win! We’ll decrease the prison population and lower construction expenses.”

President Obama was asked about the Death Star project at his press conference today to encourage consideration of discussion regarding of forming a committee to address global warming. The President said:

“You know, back in December we killed this idea and gave good reasons why it should be killed, which is probably why the Republicans ran with it.” (President Obama) 

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) chided the press for overstating the military function of the massive artificial satellite. McConnell said:

“Once again the liberal press has labeled this great project to re…re…uhm…what’s the word…reflect, that’s it! Uhm…what was I saying?” (Senator McConnell)

Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) then added:

“I believe that what Senator McConnell is trying to saying is that by referring to it as the ‘Death Star’ the liberal press has given a sinister impression of the purpose of this project. Most of this project will be dedicated to luxury condos for those who wish to use Earth’s Second Moon as their primary or secondary residence.” (Senator McCain)

It was reported by some unnamed sources, one of which was former Vice President Dick Cheney, that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the President and CEO for the consortium building the artificial satellite. When questions were raised about someone of such advanced age running a 100-year project, Rep. Boehner said:

“We have that covered. We have identified five donors with the correct blood type and tissue match to keep the former Vice President healthy and active for at least the next twenty-five years. After that, we will have five more ready to go.” (Rep. Boehner)

When asked if the media would be allowed to interview the donors Boehner said:

“Oh they don’t know they are donors yet. This is a Homeland Security issue and they’ll know when they need to know.” (Rep. Boehner)

The six organizations will take the lead in the design, construction, operation, ownership of the project were identified are: Exxon, Koch Industries, KBR (the former subsidiary of Halliburton,) The Las Vegas Sands Corporation, the National Rifle Association (NRA), and Papa Johns Pizza.

Cheney said:

“These organizations are a perfect fit to carry out the construction and operation of this project. We have all our bases covered.” (Former VP Cheney)

When asked if the project will have a science component like the International Space Station, Paul Ryan answered:

“It will have a science component, but the science will be limited to the confirmation of the existence of God and how He create our universe. We’re not going to waste millions of dollars chasing after scientific hokum.” (Rep. Ryan)

Representative Steven King (R-Iowa) clarified:

“I think it’s important to understand the primary purpose of the Second Moon project. This is a place for certain people to escape Earth’s bounds and celebrate their success. It’s not the type of place that President Obama’s daughters will go for spring break.”

The project is tentatively scheduled for completion by the 2nd Quarter of 2110.